what's old is new again...

now i understand why there should be no be changes, no seismic shifts for the unsteady foal wobbling it's way into active recovery after a handful of sober days...

i barely trotted home from rehab for 4 days before we galloped onto the american freeway system; full steam ahead for mandatory christmas fun!

depite the harmoniousness wonder our claustrophobic tin can on wheels came to be, it was the swimming with sharks desperation rising within this foal, that would trigger a feral, unbridled canter across most of the country...

getting to meetings in nevada, utah, manitoba...calling my sponsor...trying to read from the big book every night...praying...meditating...all the tools i've been trained in, but was inconsistent in implementing over the last few days...

so now i am feeling the earth split and widen. it shakes and i tremble, looking ahead to a week of family traditions now all completely foreign to me. hell, brushing my teeth is foreign to me. but living in fear sets you up to spiral down the drain. and i've already been sucked into that vortex of destruction. and the spinning obsessions and compulsive perversions you funnel through down onto dank rot bottom, are no place for a new born.

for today i am 70 days old.

and everything terrifies me.

and i feel like a complete dependent.

so, i begin simply. and surrender my fear. with a smile.

[even though at that age, it's quite possible it's only gas...]