the 51 st state

20/20 is hindsight, but since i am far-sighted and have an astigmatism, i thankfully can't focus on "the road trip less travelled (that was too soon)"...

despite all the professional advice sought and mulled thick, like hot rum punch, i chose to store those batches away, locked deep in an underground, darkened cellar somewhere back in west hollywood...

of course, i knew best. i was ready for the world; emerging from a pretty, pink rehabilitated bubble of a sticky, sweet mess...

but my world was never pretty in pink; rather wretched, rotten black tar muck. and i was not ready to trudge through this sludge alone. so, through unstructured days, i inch ever deeper into a quicksand of fear, emerging a slathered mess. addiction once missiled my life into a billion little pieces of sand, and now i hike those dunes, through tearing winds and gritty, slitted eyes; moving towards an oasis of my own creation where i can rehydrate, refresh, renew...

but, no regrets. i am here now.

and to spend the day with my niece and nephew, despite brief flickers of agony throughout the day, is always worth the price of admission to winterpeg. but these children are smart, so smart, so i will never lie to them about my addictions. if only to vicariously redo the anarchistic vibe of my own early childhood.

we had donuts at tim horton's. then cruised the hippest mall in town (so "polo"). we caught "we bought a zoo" in the most fabulous theatre in winnipeg. we did food courtside, loud and silly, and kevin didn't know us. then j. giggled over a male mannequin packing a something something, and t. dared her ten to sneak a peek. two guesses what i did instead...and we all laughed and laughed and laughed...

and although my laughter was true, strong, free, it still coated only a thin veneer over a pain so confusing, so omnipresent, it often twitches my feet to fly; fly like an eagle, fly long distances from this uncharted state inside.

but this wilderness must be claimed, charted, cultivated and flourish again. i must clear many, many miles, walk many, many steps; but for now, just twelve...

right now i am in canada. in winnipeg. with my family.

i am with people who will never understand, but, we all have love...

but, when i go to aa, i am home. with my peeps. where they will always understand...

in this new state of mine...