Thank You for the Music...

For me, there is nothing like the thrill of music...

If I ever was interviewed by "The Actors Studio" host James Lipton, I would have great ease in answering the question "What turns you on?"...

Music...

It invigorates me, exhilarates me, often keeps me company and is the absolute soundtrack to my life. Lyrics inspire me, melodies and orchestration fulfill me, and in its unfolding, I find friends, comfort...

And so, if you would indulge me, I would love to share my top 10 albums of all time. This was no easy task, but I wanted to identify those albums that I play endlessly. The ones that hold great sentimental value for me. And the ones that I hold dearest to my heart.

I cheated just a wee bit. I narrowed it down to 11. Hey, it was tough...

But, for better or for worse, here they are...

U2 - Achtung Baby
U2 - The Joshua Tree
Ryan Adams - Gold
The Killers - Sam's Town
The Killers - Hot Fuss
Coldplay - Viva la Vida!
Emmylou Harris - Red Dirt Girl
Duran Duran - Rio
Tears for Fears - The Hurting
Alanis Morrissette - Jagged Little Pill
Jann Arden - Living Under June

And here's the thing...

I'm always looking to be inspired.

If you feel inclined to indulge me; I would LOVE to hear what moves you as well. What are your picks? And don't censor yourselves! "Yanni's Greatest Hits" could also strike a chord...(although, admittedly, I feel ambivalent about that statement...)

But I know new music will only help me keep me quite joyous...so thank you in advance.

hennybird@verizon.net

Do you dare?...

In Bloom

Yes, the last two entries have been stuffed full of complex medical and philosophical musings. But I do have my lighter moments. Truly.

And so today I choose to take a cue from from friend R. with whom I had dinner the other night. Her lack of worry amazes me, for I believe it to be completely genuine. It's a state in which I aspire to reside.

And so I'd like to share one of my most recent joyous moments.

Back in April my doctor called with a creatinine result of 1.6 (normal range 0.5-1.4). After peaking at 3.2, my joy was not to be contained.

Kevin took me on a mini spring vaca to The Four Seasons in West Lake Village to celebrate.

We're not going to talk about my recent 2.8 creatinine.

We're not going to talk about all the side effects I'm experiencing.

And we're not going to talk about what lies ahead.

Right now, I just want to stop and smell the flowers...

Side Effects

So, it's official. I am noticing side effects from the increase in my meds. Headaches, nausea, insomnia, loss of my cycle (15 days late...no I am NOT pregnant!),weight loss. Despite everything I am doing to help....chiropractic work, massage, good eating and exercise, it's just not enough...

These drugs are just so toxic.

The ones I take to suppress my immune system increase my blood pressure, so I'm on something to counteract that. The steroid I take incurs bone loss (I have osteopenia) and gingivitis, so I take calcium to aid with that. I also take iron tablets b/c my hemoglobin is low (my kidney can't keep up), a B complex for the sores that have developed around the corners of my mouth, a specialized vitamin supplement to replace what my kidney cannot produce (the kidney is a VERY complicated organ) and then Lamisil to aid (ineffectively) the fungus I have on my nails that my body hasn't been able to heal since 2002.

It's all very overwhelming. Yet, after 25 years, I think I am used to taking these drugs twice a day. I still wish I didn't have to, but it's my journey and that's life, man...

I don't feel sorry for myself, just frustrated by all the toxicity.

Frustrated by the days I spend in bed when I am wracked with side effects.

Frustrated by the long road ahead...

But I do know things could be worse. So much worse. And I think so very often of those whom are willing to be tested for me. Probably more than they even know. Their bravery stuns me. Their hearts inspire me. Please look at their photos (I am still collecting them). They are beautiful, amazing friends. We could all learn a lesson from them...

And then there's Kevin.

How blessed was I to meet this man? His love for me is glorious. Anyone who knows him, knows how amazing he is.

I never thought I was the type of woman to be lost without her man, but he is my complete and total rock. I never had dreams of getting married, but the team we have cultivated over the last 13 married years (17 together) has surprised me. We are not without our issues, but the recent road we have traveled has strengthened our bond. I can't imagine my life without him.

God, enough sap, Henny!

Yesterday, I watched a repeat broadcast on the "Oprah" show with Michael Moore about being "Sick in America". Boy, did it terrify me. I know I have good insurance. My $189,000 bill at Cedars only cost me $1800. That's 1% and pretty amazing, I think. My meds are expensive - the reason I make a bi-annual trip to Toronto twice a year. But I worry about what's ahead. I didn't qualify for health insurance this year, due to my inability to make the SAG quota. We now pay $690 a month with a government subsidized plan. It runs out in 14 months.

What's ahead? Eventually we will have to buy into a group plan that could cost us $1000-$2000 a month. Stressful to say the least...Canada is looking very appealing, but there are so many factors we need to consider. Our house which has lost a lot of value and Kevin's successful business, and all the friends we have in our lives...and I happen to LOVE California! And so, I must admit, it is extremely daunting to attempt to start over again.

You can't go home again...

Glass half empty?

Although feeling strangely empty without Kevin, I enjoyed many plans today. I went to an estate sale with my pal W. this morning. Enjoying Pasadena by morning was glorious. The sale was not. But then a sadness overtook me. He was off to a surprise party for his sister. The normalcy of the situation created a pit in my tummy.

I was returning home to an empty house, with, albeit, a chubby basset to lovingly greet me...

In the evening I joined some friends to revel in the Olympics. A poker game unraveled in the background, and their laughter and joy only fueled my sadness. After admiring the amazing strength of the Olympians, I felt utter frustration at the nap I'd had to take earlier that evening. How I long to have that strength and discipline once again.

I want a healthy body.

But I am so incredibly grateful for my friends' support. For their participation in my life.

But the normal pace by which their lives unravel fill me with envy. The conversations about triathlons. The laughter that filtered out from the poker game. The stunning athletes at their peak. The birthday party filled with family and friends.

All so routine, so precious. So out of my reach.....

I'm quite sure my melancholy is fueled by Kevin's absence, but I do feel removed from events often taken for granted. And it sucks.

But not to be forgotten is the effort my friends make to include me in their lives. I treasure all of it. They make me feel normal. Regular. Human.

And I love them for it.

I hold no resentment. Currently, this is my journey.

I'm just grateful that they include me in theirs...

The Name of the Game

An ABBA fan, I am.....

So, I'm listening to ABBA's brilliance and watching the Olympic ceremonies on mute, and I miss Kevin madly.

You know, life can be pretty magical at times...

It makes me want to do this!

Sometimes you just need to cut loose, man...

No pain, no gain?

So two nights ago, I pretty much had the worst migraine of my life.

If you suffer from migraines, there's no need for me to explain. If you don't, well, it's kind of like an insidious animal crawling through your head. Flitting from back to front, searing you with unbearable, unrelenting pain. Kevin and I almost went to Cedars at 5 am so I could be placed on a morphine drip. The fact that his flight for Scotland left a few hours later was the only factor that stopped me. Logistics, ya know...

So many variables to be considered. The increase in my meds could be a factor. My cycle is 10 days late. The stress that has side swiped me. My agonizingly slow kidney failure?...

Who knows?

It's been a tough 3 weeks since returning from Toronto. I haven't been feeling well at all. And naturally, I've given my situation much thought. I've been to the chiropractor, had a massage, worked out, and still my headaches, weight loss and weakness consume me. But I intend to monitor everything through that proverbial fine toothed comb, and attempt to spin this positively...

Good health is a tricky thing.

When you have it, you take it for granted. Even I have done that in the past. When you don't have it, it makes "living in the moment" elusive; challenging. Lack of it breeds resentment, jealousy and sadness.

Folk with the privilege of good health, especially those whom have never been ill in their lives can be...draining. I do get their well meaning intentions. Suggestions of supplements, good eating habits, exercise, visits to naturopaths, and particularly the omnipresent "Live in the present!" can be...annoying?...

But their efforts touch me deeply.

I get it. I've had those moments of exhilaration within my body after months of pure eating and exercise. I miss it. Desperately. I've also treasured those fleeting moments of authentic joy when deep within the moment..."Look at the sunset...I love living in California...God, I love my husband...Look how cute Daisy is...I can't believe how supportive my friend is...I love writing...This coffee tastes awesome...".

But then it spirals...

"My head hurts. I miss my Mum. There's never enough money. What if my health insurance runs out? Do we have to move back to Canada? What if Kevin and all of my friends are not a match? Will I be on dialysis for years? What if The Big One hits? I'm tired of feeling sick. People can be so negative".

And so the cycle continues....

We rock and we roll...

My friend T. told me yesterday that she believes we choose the body we are in. That's a hard concept for me to embrace. I've been on drugs for 25 years, and sometimes I desperately wish I could give my body a break from all the toxicity. And yet, AND YET, so many blessings have emerged from this journey. I never knew I was so loved. My bond with my husband has deepened beyond anything I ever imagined. When my body feels strong, my heart soars. I feel invincible. And there's nothing like the high of a good creatinine result.

Nothing comes even remotely close...

Conscious living is so much work. But the work (risk) IS worth the reward...

For me, it's a constant battle to stay in the moment with the many challenges that lie ahead. Especially when I don't feel well. Attempting to be in a joyous state of gratitude when all you want to do is rock side to side in bed is daunting, to say the least. I get jealous of my vibrant, active friends, even Kevin with all his adventures. Their lives bursting full of activity when I struggle to get to the gym.....But at least I'm getting there...And I would never take that away from my friends even if I could. Especially not hubby. I love them all too much.

And so I think I'll end with another Randy-ism.

"There are brick walls in our lives NOT to stop us from achieving our goals, but only to test how badly we want what's beyond them".

Let there be no mistake. I want to feel good again. I want to feel strong again. And I want to live for a long, long time.

Watch me fight...

Randy Pausch, I'm a Tigger!

I'm sure most of you have heard about this inspiring man....and if you haven't, what rock have you been living under?

Randy Pausch died at age 47 on July 25 from a brutal form of pancreatic cancer that metastasized to his liver. He is known primarily for "The Last Lecture", a presentation he gave at Carnegie Mellon and then reprised on the Oprah show.

I suppose it's a cliche to be inspired by his words, for millions have been, but I happen to love cliches, as I believe they are grounded in truth.

Fueled by his situation, Randy spoke eloquently about what our focus in life should be. You can dispute, but I happen to agree with every single thought.

What strikes me deeply is how a man so imminently faced with his mortality could be so joyous. So vibrant and clear. But he also admitted to sobbing - often- with his wife, and that makes me admire him even more.

And yet, he chose to HAVE FUN, embrace a child-like wonder and be a Tigger right up until the end....Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore?

What drives me insane, and this ties in with my ridiculously high standards, is that I still have Eeyore moments. I worry about money. I worry that our house has dropped in value. I worry about my stagnant acting career. I worry, I worry, I worry. Despite my chronic health issues, I still have days wrought with fear. And that drives me nuts. What's wrong with me?

Don't misunderstand. These thoughts don't plague me, but I admit they are a part of my world.

I don't care about things. I care about the people in my life. And I deeply believe the best way to nurture these relationships is to TELL THE TRUTH- all the time. It's the white lies and omissions that rob us of opportunities for growth (I'm quoting my friend H. now)... A Randy-ism - ignore what people say, it's what they do that matters. I believe it's the things we don't do that we'll regret. I don't think I'll care if I have 30 or 50 credits on my resume when I die. I will, however, care that I didn't hold my friend L.'s newborn for an hour until I felt like my arm was going to fall off...There's no moment that can replace that.

As I struggle with my feelings about "the business"; about whether or not I even care about being an actress anymore, I am comforted by this. FIND YOUR PASSION. Even if it's in your 30's or 40's when you find it. Who says that what you decide on when you're 8 years old should be your life's path? There's so much about "the business" that doesn't mesh with my personality. It doesn't make me want to jump out of bed in the morning anymore. I don't think that's the definition of passion...

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". I suspect the experience was more valuable than the goal itself. And did I really want it after all?

Spousal musings...

I feel the need to wax poetic about hubby....

As my grandmother so eloquently articulated at our wedding,"I won in life's lottery when I met K." This is not to say that we don't have our issues, but the strains are minor in comparison to the joys. I love him. And I'd like to share some of the reasons why I do...

1) His singing voice drips caramel. A talent from God.

2) He is the most amazingly talented bagpiper. It thrills me to watch him play.

3) His photography skills are exceptional. Not to be taken for granted; he has an eye few own...

4) When K. laughs it's the best sound in the world....bar none.

5) He calls me on my shit.

6) He allows my vomitus to spew forth, and embraces me regardless.

7) He is a sexy fox...

8) I love his sensitivity for animals. It inspires me.

9) I adore his sensitive nature.

10) I love our conversations. I love how we can talk for hours and never run out of things to say.

11) Attending 4 U2 concerts for me, well, was above and beyond the call... Even if he crossed his arms the entire time!

12) He always has my best interests at heart.

13) He is adventurous; always willing to try something new.

14) He's willing to be a living kidney donor for me...

What a man. What a partner. What a husband.

Thank you, K., for sticking this out with me.....

'Cause I don't shine, if you don't shine...

I'm feeling prolific today, despite this headache....

"I never really gave up on
Breaking out of this two star town
I got the green light
I got a little fight
I'm gonna turn this thing around
Can you read my mind?"

One guess who wrote these lyrics.....

You are currently on hold...

So my "big" meeting today was postponed...and that's not such a bad thing.....

Apparently, I am not currently sick enough to warrant an evaluation. Although the fact that Kevin wants to be a living donor would have qualified me to come in, we chose to wait and see. Your creatinine needs to be in the mid 3's before the team can place you on the national list; and I'm not quite there yet. My result in Toronto was 3.1, but the result last week was 2.8. A decline deeply celebrated!

And so I have hope. Maybe the increase in my meds will preserve this kidney for some time. Or maybe I will spike in 3 months. The waiting truly is the hardest part.

The upside is I have learned so much from the Cedars pamphlet I received. There is much to share with you all, which I will disperse in small doses. I have to admit, however, signing the power of attorney forms was intense...

But today I feel blessed. Life is still good. I sleep more than normal and have chronic headaches. I've also lost a lot of weight since November when I was 129 (chunky bits!). I am currently 112, but I'm sure stress has contributed to that. Complicated times, indeed.

And so I try to enjoy the details; the precious moments that we glaze over. These are the times most joyous. And I have renewed vigor and vibrancy.

Have fun. Love those most dear to you. And celebrate the small things.....

I know I will.....