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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Tuesday, December 20, 2011


i almost ruined my marriage.

not because of the pill-popping, doctor shopping, pharmacist manipulator i came to be...

not because of the desperate housewife, bottle hamper-hiding, mouthwash, swish 'n gulping, cliche i came to be...

not because of the double overdosing, highly suspicious transplant rejecting, cedar-sinai frequent flier patient i came to be...

not because i shuffled in pajama pants frayed bare, with a barely there, zombie stare, and attitude of: "what from rehab should i care?"

no, no. no, no.

because i asked my husband to buy my tampons in bozeman, montana tonight.

i don't think he could've squirmed more if he'd heard they now make burgers at mcdonalds with fresh human feces patties (insert "mcdonalds is crap food" joke here)

i don't think he could've stalled more to find his wallet. glove compartment. nope. cup holders. nope..."um, i think i may have left my wallet back in vegas?" nope.

aunt flo is a very late arrival. appearing by proxy through aunt dot at the end of october for approximately 23 seconds, aunt flo is now 9 months overdue; resulting in overbearing generosity, if you catch my drift, (and i realize all you of the vaginal persuasion will). true, it's somewhat relieving to be ranked within the female gender again, but the timing couldn't be sloppier. and that was exactly why i couldn't get out of the car....yikes!

talk about your festive red...

[at least i wasn't wearing white fat pants.]

negotiating an extreme weight fluctuation of 30 lbs, has been rough on this tiny frame. first, in my prograf (the nasty immunosuppressive) summer months i bottomed out at a terrifying 95 lbs. next, off pain meds. third, doubling cyclosporine from 100 mg twice a day to 200 twice a day. and finally, taking neurotin as a detox med. that crazy cocktail catapulted me to a straining 125 lb....

i no longer tell lies.

so i will admit i feel miserable.

i have never been this swollen from face to feet...
the swelling is very painful, and it's difficult to negotiate...
but in two months dr. peng will reduce my cyclosporine a bit...
and in another two months she will reduce it a bit more...

on my one year anniversary. in april. it's december. sigh.

but i will no longer live for the future.

it may never come.

[you are exactly where you are supposed to be...]

so i will live in the bloody, messy, swollen, painful, medicated now...crimson tide...virgin style...

because kevin joked that picking up tampons is almost a deal breaker.

and if that's his deal breaker, my now is signed in ink.


  1. My hubby would feel the same as Kevin. He has NEVER bought me tampons...I am certain I would be walking in the store with a sweatshirt around my waist. Give my regards to Bozeman (spent a week in the hospital there).
    You are exactly where you are supposed to be. And it's beautiful. You're beautiful.

  2. you are beautiful, suzanne!!!!! sooooooo generous of heart xoxo