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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

home bittersweet home

dodgy, wintery sky. long, palm shadows. and diarrhea 8 times before high noon.

[at first i thought i was dying, and then i remembered inhaling an endive /beet (stress: beet) salad the other night...]

as i ran around "klean" gathering the last of my possessions, i felt ready to snap; shaking, stretched long and thin like an elastic band.

arriving home, i stood on the edge of our view; of something, uncertain what to do first.

and so i grabbed my OCD by my blueballed lists and ripped and ripped and ripped...conservatively 64 down, no more to go...

["no more lists, henny dearest...now what?"...]

unchartered anxiety; unhinged compass, arrow haywiring due nowhere...

ah, first came the hug, then comes the marriage, and so off we went...

...to a meeting...together. to the gym...together. talking...together. being together.

and still, a teeny, tiny, GIGANTIC, welcome home gift..."your immunosuppressives have been reduced another 25 mg. a day. your creatinine is 1.1".

[apparently the 20 lbs. of swelling i've accumulated in under 5 weeks finally convinced the tx. team of my legitimate, painful side effects..."4 more months until your 1st anniversary; then we can reduce them to less than half"...]

is juicy couture still in or is it sean john now? 'cause i need me some temporary FAT SWEATS. STAT!

any brief happy here today, is now slip sliding away into surrealism...

[call sponsor! go! contrary action! go! live in the moment! go! get numbers at meeting! go! go to the gym! go! blog! read from the big book! go!]

done. still shaking like a maple leaf...

but the toilet seems safe for now...


  1. want to come and play with horses?????? if you do, go!! maybe they will take your mind off things... eventhough mine generally make you want to drink or do drugs, we don't...... we just don't let them get to us......

    I am sure this is very hard for you......

  2. I am smiling for you, Hen. Even as anxiety and blessings melt into an uncertain concoction for you. Hope springs eternal.

  3. hey. anonymous. not the most sensitive thing to say to someone fresh out of rehab.