poker face

the other day a thought slinked into my head as naturally as swatting a fly away...

"a glass of wine would be nice right now"...

and like ice cubes down my shirt in some mild hazing prank, my blood retreated from all extremities, leaving me icy hard.

[in rehab, hypothermia is the new black]

but i shook off the shiver with an overheated shrug and just let it slink on out of my head...

[actually i kind of gave it a shove, but it left]

today i went to the gym during the alloted time. and as gaga and i birthed a symbiotic rhythm, different thoughts slinked into my head. less suspect, more boisterous..."i feel good...dare i?...no, it's been sooooo long...but i feel stronger...just for a couple of minutes?...just try it"...water droplets misting from the ocean cleansed my deep sea breath, then i dared to plunge one foot faster and faster onto the uncharted rubber deep end, and with a final blind dive, i began to run.

i was running.

the little red headed girl who has been in bed for a year and a half was running.

and for a few minutes there was no suffering. no pain. strength of body. clear of mind. soul on hold.

and i reached down for "the kid", his robustness ever protruding from my frame, and felt him. really felt him for the first time in almost 7 months.

there is no greater gift than the gift of health. and to think i almost re-gifted him.

[yes, he's a he. name undecided.]

i'll have a side of depression with my tub of remorse...

i can't get through a psychiatry session without annihilating a box of kleenex and leaving my suite puffier than well, me, with edema.

everything boomerangs back to childhood and the experiences that we were play-doh-ed from. but play-doh dries up, and becomes pointless. the point is to look around in the playroom of life...there are so many other wonderful toys to experience.

i cannot tell a lie.

[oh, yes you can...]

i am grateful for the big md's legitimization. "you've certainly been dealt a pack of cards."

but i know that's no excuse.

i'm just so tired of wearing a poker face...

[contraband photo]