i ran out of truvia (an ostentatious version of sweet and low) and realized i was not allowed to go to the store.
to say being in rehab is surreal, is like saying, gummy bears are chewy (i have a craving)
i shuffle over to the "med" room three times a day, receiving my prescribed kidney medications and a couple of things to help me come off xanax.
the "med" room is also the stronghold of our contraband items: our computers, checkbooks, cameras, cellphones, perfumes, hairspray, hairdryers, even tweezers...no ordering of drugs allowed! no huffing! and you must have flat hair! with bushy eyebrows!
how do i explain the denigrating experience when i check these items out for use?
[on a side note, with no makeup and no hair drying or products, i am starting to look less like a hot mess...]
it's like a camp for dysfunctional grownups, who just have an inability to deal with life on life's terms. and we need to learn and grow and understand...but there's still friday night movie night, peanut butter in the pantry and lots of laughter...because that's how we own it...
[and there's not a canoe in sight]
i did go to some groups this week, but they have essentially left me alone this week. letting me acclimatize, letting me detox. i have slept more than i ever thought possible, but i am despondent and lonely, too. i have a cold that i am nursing, i think only of "my kid" when i get sick. so i chose not to go on the"sober fun outing" but rather rest and read from the narcotics anonymous text.
all of the techs and therapists have told me that mine will be the most arduous challenge, the most jagged of cliffs to scale, for when legitimate pain worms its way in, and it will, my options will now be radically different. and it will be tough. very tough.
yet there is love here. maybe not for me, specifically, but for the pain we are enduring, and the process that has yet to unfold for me and the profound understanding between us all that cannot be denied.
hand me a s'more...
if you want to mail me anything, the mailing address is :
8543 Santa Monica Boulevard #11, West Hollywood, Ca., 90069
if you would like to call me, i must add you to the list first, so please email or facebook me. h xo