the 6 month itch

the other day i whispered into my basset hound's ear.

[no small feat. they are pretty low to the ground.]

"ah, maggie. so, we are back here again..."

but, she was up on the bed. and i was fetal. eye to eye, i weakly stroked my companion through renal failure, dialysis and post-transplantation. as she flipped onto her back to reveal her nipple-studded belly, i slipped a giggle. i was in the throes of what i call the 5am assault. it's as if someone takes a crack at my vertebrae with a louisville slugger, rendering me incapable of even crying foul.

indeed. september has been the longest month.

cluster headaches, medical appointments and squinting at life through a haze of pain.

there have been odd reprieves. glorious moments when the vice of pain has disintegrated like a sugar cube into a steaming cup o' joe...

there have been days like this, when life has surprised me.

but most days have been like this.

despite my most valiant of efforts at the chiropractic, massage and exercise; its the cycle of no sleep, clenched jaw, heating pad, tiger balm and the morning pinch hitter of pain that has reigned relentless.

[guess who recently took a pass at oxycontin...it's all about the timing...]

and so i looked forward to today's neurological appointment the way toddlers anticipate christmas morning. with fluttery tummies and flushed cheeks; bursting with hope that all their dreams will be met.

[in amitriptyline we trust.]

it was exactly 6 months ago that we were preparing to go to cedars-sinai for the transplant.

in terms of renal function, 0.8 creatinine, damn. things could not be finer.

but, i am still double digits on the scale. still too weak to work. still too f-ed to fly.

emotionally, i am not there.
physically, i am not there.
psychologically, i am not there.

but, i am here.

we are still here.

and "the kid" is still here...