the other day i whispered into my basset hound's ear.
[no small feat. they are pretty low to the ground.]
"ah, maggie. so, we are back here again..."
but, she was up on the bed. and i was fetal. eye to eye, i weakly stroked my companion through renal failure, dialysis and post-transplantation. as she flipped onto her back to reveal her nipple-studded belly, i slipped a giggle. i was in the throes of what i call the 5am assault. it's as if someone takes a crack at my vertebrae with a louisville slugger, rendering me incapable of even crying foul.
indeed. september has been the longest month.
cluster headaches, medical appointments and squinting at life through a haze of pain.
there have been odd reprieves. glorious moments when the vice of pain has disintegrated like a sugar cube into a steaming cup o' joe...
there have been days like this, when life has surprised me.
[guess who recently took a pass at oxycontin...it's all about the timing...]
and so i looked forward to today's neurological appointment the way toddlers anticipate christmas morning. with fluttery tummies and flushed cheeks; bursting with hope that all their dreams will be met.
[in amitriptyline we trust.]
it was exactly 6 months ago that we were preparing to go to cedars-sinai for the transplant.
in terms of renal function, 0.8 creatinine, damn. things could not be finer.
but, i am still double digits on the scale. still too weak to work. still too f-ed to fly.
emotionally, i am not there.
physically, i am not there.
psychologically, i am not there.
but, i am here.
we are still here.