i believe in santa claus

if i stay here 60 days, which is currently being tabled, on dec 17th a needle will violently prick the bubble of emotional toil in which i currently reside and there a yellow brick road scattered with little white tablets, will sprawl before me. the real world.

"life on life's terms". not cvs's terms.

it will nearly be christmas.

i managed to catch the early bird plastic tree display at costco at the end of september. and i saw my first christmas commercial in the cedars blood lab waiting room this morning. i twitched in my plastic seat; the holiday feeling as distant as a buoy bobbing on the horizon. squinting to identify, then forming no connection to the unremarkable object.

last night, my husband suggested we go to denmark for christmas.

my heart soared high like a sleigh, but my mind began to whirl like the dance of the sugar plum fairy.

["but, but, but, but, but...]

i will have to go to meetings, i will need to talk to a sponsor...

there's an unbridled decadence that dwarfs the birth of christ. the overstuffed bowls of gooey goodness, the oily, meaty star, and the myriad sugary sweets. but for this panicked girl, it was the unspoken truth that motivates most christmas dinners...the full, syrupy glasses, bottles gushing their golden goodness, frothy, cold green men and the flow of something, that once started, can never be sandbagged.

it left me flailing in a soup of sweat...

["how can i say skol with water?']

sugarplums don't dance in this head, only black and blue capsules, white tablets, and coated pink pills...

today i saw dr. dauer. a santa claus wannabee if ever there was one, only of the jewish variety. my mentor adored, my chatty cathy md, my substitute male role model...my rehabilitation news was met with such pure joy that my heart began to sleigh ride up, up, up. he was stunned by my physical transformation,

"when i saw you, you looked like a zombie. you look unbelievable. has kevin seen you?"

gifts of confirmation, support and respect came tumbling out of his mouth with such velocity, much like the speed at which santa must distribute toys from his pack...

and then the big present under the tree came out. and it's bow gleamed and glittered under the cubicle's florescent lights.

"are you able to get to the gym?"

"yes, they give you allotted time. and i did 3 miles today. and i ran."

"you ran?"

"i ran."

and he just got it. and as my tears glistened like the iciest of flakes that flutter on the hardened snow, there was a beautiful silence between us. silence that encapsulated everything we have been together for 16 years.

and then came the hug. and a flu shot.

i have never liked christmas. my father died on december 13th, and yuletide's omnipresence has always left me more melancholy than merry. but today i remembered something.

"everything has to change"...

and so why can't i finally enjoy christmas? i can pop m and m's instead of pills, and drink virgin creations of the fabulous kind and i can finally dance to "jingle bell rock" instead of hitting mute.

maybe. change is slow. but it is possible.

so, yes, henriette, there is a santa claus...