rehabilitation rhapsody

this morning i was drug tested...

i am as sick as a low riding hound sportin' fuzzy dice (that's dawg)...body of betrayal. sick again.

a cold is to a healthy person, as the plague is to the immunosuppressed...

[cough. sneeze. snort.]

14 hour days has whipped and tripped this post-renal tx. patient into rehab burnout. with barely 8 hours of sleep a night, i woke up waterlogged with gunk, drifting down on a stream of snot. like a preemie, my body must be nursed adagio back into rhythm, not arisen with the crimson cheeked screams of health and vigor....

my roommate is respectful, but mutters constantly like the drone of an air conditioner gratingly underscoring a conversation...

i crave SILENCE...SSSSHHHH....the stillness that settles after a scream...

i walk through scalding debris, accordioned skyscrapers, crumbled homes; the sting of smoke can't burn my already watering eyes. always i stumble on the ragged, broken foundations, chunks of smouldering finality that trip me up. but never do i fall. i am wearing clogs...

then love rains down from boston, toronto and tennessee. hot and soothing. scrunched up face, envelopes searched and tears dribble down upon the postal remains...

[can a heart burst from a rib cage?]

i fell on my knees and it felt ridiculous and right. my guts released, bright red, ragged and raw...

120 minutes on your knees will wring out a person's soul. just call me the 8th dwarf. lucky.

birth-1st transplant-1st overdose-2nd transplant-2nd overdose...

[reborn 4 times]

stack them up like dominoes, except it's never been a game, and i don't want to be knocked over anymore...

[wait. i am still here. i am still here.]

when i turned 40, i announced that i thought i had a drug problem. it took me 3 years to get into rehab.

for tomorrow is my birthday.