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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Friday, August 8, 2008

No pain, no gain?

So two nights ago, I pretty much had the worst migraine of my life.

If you suffer from migraines, there's no need for me to explain. If you don't, well, it's kind of like an insidious animal crawling through your head. Flitting from back to front, searing you with unbearable, unrelenting pain. Kevin and I almost went to Cedars at 5 am so I could be placed on a morphine drip. The fact that his flight for Scotland left a few hours later was the only factor that stopped me. Logistics, ya know...

So many variables to be considered. The increase in my meds could be a factor. My cycle is 10 days late. The stress that has side swiped me. My agonizingly slow kidney failure?...

Who knows?

It's been a tough 3 weeks since returning from Toronto. I haven't been feeling well at all. And naturally, I've given my situation much thought. I've been to the chiropractor, had a massage, worked out, and still my headaches, weight loss and weakness consume me. But I intend to monitor everything through that proverbial fine toothed comb, and attempt to spin this positively...

Good health is a tricky thing.

When you have it, you take it for granted. Even I have done that in the past. When you don't have it, it makes "living in the moment" elusive; challenging. Lack of it breeds resentment, jealousy and sadness.

Folk with the privilege of good health, especially those whom have never been ill in their lives can be...draining. I do get their well meaning intentions. Suggestions of supplements, good eating habits, exercise, visits to naturopaths, and particularly the omnipresent "Live in the present!" can be...annoying?...

But their efforts touch me deeply.

I get it. I've had those moments of exhilaration within my body after months of pure eating and exercise. I miss it. Desperately. I've also treasured those fleeting moments of authentic joy when deep within the moment..."Look at the sunset...I love living in California...God, I love my husband...Look how cute Daisy is...I can't believe how supportive my friend is...I love writing...This coffee tastes awesome...".

But then it spirals...

"My head hurts. I miss my Mum. There's never enough money. What if my health insurance runs out? Do we have to move back to Canada? What if Kevin and all of my friends are not a match? Will I be on dialysis for years? What if The Big One hits? I'm tired of feeling sick. People can be so negative".

And so the cycle continues....

We rock and we roll...

My friend T. told me yesterday that she believes we choose the body we are in. That's a hard concept for me to embrace. I've been on drugs for 25 years, and sometimes I desperately wish I could give my body a break from all the toxicity. And yet, AND YET, so many blessings have emerged from this journey. I never knew I was so loved. My bond with my husband has deepened beyond anything I ever imagined. When my body feels strong, my heart soars. I feel invincible. And there's nothing like the high of a good creatinine result.

Nothing comes even remotely close...

Conscious living is so much work. But the work (risk) IS worth the reward...

For me, it's a constant battle to stay in the moment with the many challenges that lie ahead. Especially when I don't feel well. Attempting to be in a joyous state of gratitude when all you want to do is rock side to side in bed is daunting, to say the least. I get jealous of my vibrant, active friends, even Kevin with all his adventures. Their lives bursting full of activity when I struggle to get to the gym.....But at least I'm getting there...And I would never take that away from my friends even if I could. Especially not hubby. I love them all too much.

And so I think I'll end with another Randy-ism.

"There are brick walls in our lives NOT to stop us from achieving our goals, but only to test how badly we want what's beyond them".

Let there be no mistake. I want to feel good again. I want to feel strong again. And I want to live for a long, long time.

Watch me fight...


  1. Beautifully written Henriette.
    We are with you fighting all the way.
    I love you tremendously.

  2. I was moved beyond words by this post.And it also really, really spoke to me. xox

  3. thank you, guys. your words fill my heart with love! h xo