Although feeling strangely empty without Kevin, I enjoyed many plans today. I went to an estate sale with my pal W. this morning. Enjoying Pasadena by morning was glorious. The sale was not. But then a sadness overtook me. He was off to a surprise party for his sister. The normalcy of the situation created a pit in my tummy.
I was returning home to an empty house, with, albeit, a chubby basset to lovingly greet me...
In the evening I joined some friends to revel in the Olympics. A poker game unraveled in the background, and their laughter and joy only fueled my sadness. After admiring the amazing strength of the Olympians, I felt utter frustration at the nap I'd had to take earlier that evening. How I long to have that strength and discipline once again.
I want a healthy body.
But I am so incredibly grateful for my friends' support. For their participation in my life.
But the normal pace by which their lives unravel fill me with envy. The conversations about triathlons. The laughter that filtered out from the poker game. The stunning athletes at their peak. The birthday party filled with family and friends.
All so routine, so precious. So out of my reach.....
I'm quite sure my melancholy is fueled by Kevin's absence, but I do feel removed from events often taken for granted. And it sucks.
But not to be forgotten is the effort my friends make to include me in their lives. I treasure all of it. They make me feel normal. Regular. Human.
And I love them for it.
I hold no resentment. Currently, this is my journey.
I'm just grateful that they include me in theirs...