route 66

november 27, 1996.

15 years ago to the day we arrived in the city of angels.

our cherry-red, moon-roofed, danish-monikered, "trine the tercel" had finished puttering due south. she grazed across the 10 as her owners stared slack-jawed at all things l.a.... the hollywood sign! palm trees! intertwining cement monstrosities called freeways!

i squealed when i saw "ralph's"! a supermarket named after my beagle!

i squealed when i saw "the viper room"! that's where river phoenix died!

i squealed when i saw cedars-sinai medical center! so "beverly hills, 90210"!

[oh, the irony...]

with a mattress tied to our roof, a single plant, 90 fiorinol and 5 bottles of 200 tylenol 1s, i was ready to begin sifting for gold in the golden state...

[dreams often don't make sense, and often they turn into nightmares, but sometimes, sometimes, you become conscious enough to wake up...]

today, i am on disability.
today, i no longer have an agent.
today, i am on more immunosuppressives than i have ever been.
today, half my hair has fallen out.

we have debt, our house is worth nothing and we have been apart for 46 days.

today, i am in rehab...

but, i have been sober for 46 days.

i can't remember the last time i didn't pop a few codeine/fiorinol et al, have a glass of wine or buzz off the combo of two.

today, i really believe i could soar on new dreams, and they have nothing to do with credits on a resume, money in the bank, or the latest pret a porter...

[route 66 was travelled by a girl, who was in such a hurry to conquer the city of angels, that she didn't see she was already sitting next to an angel.]

i squeal, dreaming about running on with the healthiest transplant ever...

i squeal, dreaming about the animals i will help again...

i squeal, dreaming about the friends and family i will love again...

i squeal, dreaming about my husband and the joy i will see on his face again...

and i squeal, dreaming about "the little red haired girl" driving along route 66 (again)...for the first time.

today, i really believe i could soar on new dreams.

because i am already travelling one.

one day at a time.