teardrops on my kidney

i feel regret over my last post.

my creatinine was lower, but still not normal. and my BUN was horrific.

creatinines often fluctuate all over the map, and it does not take away from how i feel.

i'm still at 10% kidney function, suffer multiple side effects from my meds, and dream of the new kidney that will give me energy, strength and a new life.

it's a double edged sword. the greater wish is the quick deterioration of my kidney so a transplant can occur. but, there may be dialysis. there may be rejection. so, do i rejoice in results that prolong the life of this damaged organ?

no.

i am exhausted by it all.

the support of my friends filled me simultaneously with joy and broke my heart.

because this kidney is on it's way out.

tonight i lie in bed, sick, after flying on 2 flights to winnipeg. i almost always catch something in that recycled air.

["this is your life"]

but, i love my friends. they are my family. and i would be lost without their support.

was there a christmas miracle? no. but, there was love. you guys gave me love.

and this kidney of mine cherishes every shiny pearl...