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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Sunday, May 10, 2009

Something in the Way

Melancholy pervades.

Today I missed out on two great events. The basset ranch "hoe down" that we love frequenting. There's no hound cuter than my Daisy adorned in her cowboy hat and bandana. It's a great way to raise money and we have loved attending in the past. But today I was reluctantly attached to my toilet. Antibiotics can kick your ass..

There was also a friend's birthday party I was disappointed to miss. Technically I wasn't invited, although Kevin was. This omission saddened me. Another indication that my illness informs the decisions my friends make. It kills me that I am missing out on life. What an amazing Saturday this would have been.

I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I often feel remorse and sadness over the loss of my health. Am I jealous of those whom are healthy? You bet! Do I want a creatinine of 3.3? No. Do I wish the staff at Dr. Dauer's didn't know my name? Yes. And do I wish I didn't have constant medical bills? Yes.

My guilt consumes me. Completely. I used to be productive, self-sufficient and independent. I hate feeling useless. C'mon. No-one respects homemakers. So I clean, shop, organize, pick up poos, and help Kevin as best I can. But times are tough. And I make no money, and no-one respects that. Society values those whom monetarily thrive. Not to mention the loss of my acting career. But hey, life throws you some curves, eh?

Yeah, I'm sad. I want so much more for myself, and and I want to give Kevin so much more, too. He deserves so much more than this. And I'm scared about the long road ahead that we need to travel...

And so tonight I channel Kurt Cobain, because, for me, there is definitely "something in the way"...

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