The last time I saw Dr. Dauer, I was very sick. I had conjunctivitis, a chest cold, and my nose was running a marathon. UGH. And so I got oral antibiotics that very nearly killed me. 25 days later my eyes were still crusting over and I was prescribed eye drops. Oh, but my immune system is weak. My creatinine was 2.9 (normal is a high of 1.4). It saddened me that Dr. Dauer was hoping for a result in the 3's. I am officially in stage 4 end stage renal failure. When I visit the clinic, I get epogin shots. They boost my hemoglobin-giving my red blood cells oxygen to give me energy.
I am oh, so tired-exhausted, really.
Recently, I watched the Farrah Fawcett special. It destroyed me. Her illness was so destructive and so very sad.
But what resonated most deeply was her repetitive phrase "I miss my life". She must have said that 5 times over and over. I miss my life, too. I miss acting, make-up, running and volunteering.
Am I resentful? Yes.
I crave the joys that others enjoy. Playing with their children, frolicking in shows, playing instruments, exercising and the mundane that I miss so much.
Yes, I regret my loss. And I often feel angry and pissed.
Am I jealous of those who thrive with good health? Yes. I loathe my exhaustion; the way in which I drag my body around.
Good health is a precious bestowal. That which many take for granted. It's a blessing to jump out of bed and take the day by storm.
Enjoy your gift. Because there are many who can't; and boy, do they wish they could...