So this is the entry I've been reticent about committing to.
When I was admitted to Cedars in February, I collected a list of over 30 who expressed their desire to be tested if/when the time came. Now, that the time is "imminent", that list has diminished in size. Greatly. In fact, there are over 10 on the list I haven't heard from at all, some who reneged on their offer, and many "close" friends who haven't said boo.
Before my diatribe gathers steam, I would like to point out some things.
I am not oblivious to the commitment involved. I guess, for me, it's something I have always known I would do for ANYONE. Maybe you need to have your health insanely compromised before you can fully understand this, but when someone opens their mouth with a promise and withdraws that gift, they need to understand it wasn't an invitation to dinner they withdrew. It was my chance at new life and beautiful health. And it caused me much pain.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions......
The ones I haven't heard from on the list, well, as my dear friend M. expressed recently, I already have their answer.
For me, it's troubling the close friends whom haven't said anything at all. The ones with whom I have built dear relationships and believed we could discuss anything. Believed we were closer than this. One gave me a song and dance about not being able to pay her mortgage. WOW. Did she really not understand that for a new lease on life, K. and I would have gladly covered that? Another said nothing, and another didn't speak up until I approached the topic.
I'm not going to lie. It sucks to know friends are walking around with 2 kidneys when I need one so desperately.
I understand all the concerns, but I suspect a lot of that is fueled by misinformation. (Moms can donate! I have 6 on my list!) Surgery is always risky, and I can't negate that, but this procedure is so routine now.......
And yes, I know I am extremely subjective right now. Wouldn't you be?
I love my friends and will not hold this against them. I repeat, I will not hold this against them. They are too precious to me. But with their entitlement to be fearful, comes my entitlement to be pissed.
Too much to ask? Well, I've always wrestled with expectations. I just don't want to grow cynical.
I have always admired Anne Frank, whom despite the darkest of trials believed everyone was good at heart. She saw past all the chaos and pain and just believed. Believed when there was no reason to.
Well, honestly, I guess I do, too.....