Harlow, Jean...on the cover of a magazine

Well, the stress just persists, but it's not surprising, really. This situation has so many levels to it. I often get overwhelmed by the protocol that lies ahead. Currently, I am so very frustrated by my insurance company (SAG). I am waiting to hear back from the Transplant Clinic in regards to whether or not my "work up" testing will take place at UCLA as opposed to Cedars. It might be more cost efficient at UCLA.....God Bless America!!!! And I have to confess, I think I will die an emotional death if I lose contact with Dr. Dauer at Cedars-Sinai. We have such great affection for each other and after 11 years, I depend on him greatly. It just seems so twisted and wrong......Well, just another challenge I need to conquer.

Lately, I have been feeling tired even after doing the elliptical for 5-6 miles. Yes, I'm slightly paranoid. After my recent creatinine jump to 3.0, I have been very concerned about the status of my energy. When I was 19, my highest creatinine ever was 6.5, and I was on dialysis at that time. I still pray for a decline in my numbers. Constantly hoping that my additional increase in meds will bring these numbers down. I'm just not ready to go through this. But is that time ever at hand? Is anyone ever "ready"? I guess I am in a bit of denial b/c of my commitment to exercise and good eating habits over the last 20 years.....Mmm....My devotion to broccoli seemingly hasn't paid off.....

Lately, Jean Harlow has plagued my thoughts. A beautiful actress, like myself, who died from renal failure at aged 27. Dialysis was not an option then, and transplants were simply obsolete. The 60's were a renaissance period in renal failure assistance. I am so very grateful that I had my transplant in 1988. And 20 years has been a blessing. But hey, this current health hurdle doesn't protect me from getting cancer or any other illness. Funny, eh? There's just no quota we ever reach.......Such is life.

Sometimes it's so hard for me to be content. I think about this every second of every day. The waiting and unknown is torture. I know it's coming....I just don't know when. I take such pride in my good health, and this decline has been very painful.....But, I realize things could be worse and I try to remember that every day. I try to focus on my blessings. Life can be so amazing in the moments when you focus on the good stuff.......

And so, Ms. Harlow, your talent and beauty inspire me. Your decline saddens me greatly. But I channel you now; and promise to hold your brief life dear to my heart and am now inspired to live my life to the fullest--dialysis and future transplant be damned!....And I'm even a California blond now, too.....