carpe diem

forgive me.

little girl lost.

i pound my fists. tantrums ensue. WAH! love me. love me. comfort. sooth. connect. please reach out on my blog/fb...

oh, i need to release expectation; attachment.

maybe the stars are my audience. the milky way. yes. the black holes hear my heart.

yes, something does. something bigger than me.

so here are the latest stats...

i haven't had my period for 3 months. my headaches and migraines are common, as is my insomnia. my tremors come and go, much like my exhaustion. but i am always tired. i bruise easily. my appetite has been better, but it often wanes. my blood pressure is more under control, but nothing like it used to be. the diastolic still 10 points higher than i would like. i often get pains in my kidney. OW. ow. ow. ow. my latest creatinine was still 2.9 and i can't shake this cold.

but, these are the facts. only the facts.

AH.

the day before my 41st birthday i went to cedars-sinai. routine check-up. unfortunate high blood pressure. biggest destroyer of the kidney. the lab. 3 pokes. blood. flu shot and an epogin shot. and i still need an H1N1 vaccine.

par for the course, now. but for me, not status quo. never status quo.

and then, an appointment at the social security office. i had applied for disability benefits.

oh, how the mighty have fallen.

the timing was poignant. my 41st was hours away, and i couldn't help but reflect.

sometimes i lie awake at night, scared and overwhelmed. my doctor's ridiculous description of dialysis, "renal replacement therapy", swirling through my mind. eroding, prevalent change. shifting topsoil. a slippery slope.

an avalanche.

i never believed in society's agenda. graduate. get a car. get a job. a house. have kids. a 401K/RSP. acquire, acquire. acquire. consume. consume. consume.

illusions of the mind. meaningless.

i loved my life. my husband. my work. exercise. my hound. my family. even my home. my sanctuary. joy. joy. joy.

compromise. despondence. painful loss. OW.

when my social worker inquired as to the last day i had worked, i quivered, "nov. 1st, 2008". surreal and strange, my heart fairly broke. and once again the tears flowed. the lovely woman offered a tissue. compassion flowed. but when i left, i couldn't help but ache.

ache for all i have lost. ache for the life i miss. and ache for the 41 year old who needs financial help and feels like cedars-sinai is her second home.

and yet, i am aware of how blessed i am. my husband fills my soul, as do my friends. i still love my home. california continues to amaze. sunsets, warm breezes, endless exploration, amazing people, our view, and unknown opportunities. things could be so much worse, and i hold this close.

it's my one true thing.

i'm not in an animal shelter, not in foster care, not starving in africa, i have all my limbs and i am loved.

and so i'll take this compromised life. despite my fears and worries. needing to let go of my self judgment, i look up to the stars above.

"the night is full of holes, this bullet trippin' sky of ink and gold".

do i feel like i'm falling? all the time. there could be another 1-2 years ahead before i am on a list.

and so i look to each daily moment.

a bouquet of flowers on our table. a text from m. massages from k. a great meal. a good day with harnessed energy. my new margaret atwood book. calls from my friends. music. the california sunsets that never grow old. the fact that i am not on dialysis.

the fact that i am not on dialysis.

at the end of the day, i'm alive. i'm not thriving, but i'm surviving, like so many others, and they are often in my thoughts.

life. she's a tricky one.

and here's to her.