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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Thursday, April 16, 2009

When you were young...

All my life I heard that I was beautiful. It began as a child with my mother's reverence for me...

"Your copper hair is gorgeous"...she had a way of making me feel so unique; special. And despite everything, the love from my father was palpable. I knew he adored me. And for all that, I am so grateful...

School, university, and theatre school lavished me and was no different. Overwhelming, to be certain, but this is not vanity...No, no, no...I don't believe in the 7 sins...

It's difficult to hear this all your life. It never made any sense to me. Especially here in L.A, with the most gorgeous women swarming the town...insecurities consumed me...

Beauty is confusing. I have always felt the most beautiful at my fittest and most "successful". When good health infused my body I always felt stunning, happy and amazing...Strong. Cool. Bold. Yet my heart holds more....Because of my friends' love, I have always found them to be the most beautiful creatures in my life. Beauty is internal; it comes from the heart, and they have it in spades...I pray I do the same for them...

And now I find my external "beauty" floating away from me; much like the winds; a breezy cloud...I feel weak, swelled, thin, "headache-y" and tired. Is this beauty? I am ashamed to admit I miss feeling pretty. I miss feeling strong. Most of all I miss looking in the mirror and seeing a lovely 40 year-old. All I see is my swelled face. Moon face, indeed. My conflictions confuse me. I hate my face; the sickness that has changed my body. I don't think I am beautiful at all. But in my heart, I don't believe my criticisms mean anything. Not anything at all...

My losses pain me. Losing your external beauty may be superficial; but it's a reflection of everything swarming my life...

So forgive me my sins. Any loss can be a burden of the heart.

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