Shadowplay

Celebrating Thanksgiving is so common, dude...predictable and unoriginal. But I suspect I own these qualities more than I would care to admit...

I have been feeling badly about gushing over S.'s spectacular offer, and my omission over everyone else's offers to be tested...I saw a film recently ("An Unmarried Woman") in which the lead's therapist held issue about her feeling guilty. She labeled it a man made emotion. I have been pondering this greatly. Although I believe in the power of honesty and emotion...could this theory hold water? True, guilt brings us much stress, but maybe it allows us perspective and thus, introspection...

Things have shifted recently. I am feeling so tired. Exhausted, really. Kevin and I had a dinner party for 4 (well, 5 including their newborn!) the other night. Around 10:30 pm, I had a moment where I felt the wind kicked out of me and all I wanted to do was lie down. They stayed until 12:30 am, but I'm so glad they did. I hate missing out on things. I hate living a fraction of my life, and this made me feel normal, despite my apathy...

My blood pressure has spiked to a terrible level. It's very, very high now. Not only is this bad when you are healthy, it's the biggest and worst sign of loss of kidney function. I've had a cold since Kevin, I, et al. got back from Vegas a month ago. Maybe this sounds benign to you, but it has interfered with everything. I just haven't been able to kick it, what with my drug-laden immune system. Daily headaches, sinus pain and congestion. Very frustrating. Not to mention the black stuff I vomited up a while back. Despite all my medical history, that scared even me. Was it triggered by the recent increase in my meds? Who knows.

Things, they are a changing...

But it's Thanksgiving, and there is always much to celebrate.

I want the friends whom have come forth to be tested to know how often I think of them. How much I admire them. How their gift keeps me sane, strong and grounded every day. I never take what they have offered for granted. I am amazed by them all...

And so on this American Thanksgiving, I MUST hold gratitude in my heart, despite everything. There is always something to celebrate. I may not currently hold a job, I may be estranged from family and I may have compromised health, but boy, am I blessed. My friends (and Kevin) have surprised and humbled me with their support. They do not judge me. They do nothing but send me letters of love that infuse me with strength. I wonder if they know how much their contact helps me? I believe our "messiness" (as my friend H. articulated so eloquently) equalizes us all. It connects us and deepens our existing bonds. We respond to insecurities. We all have them. And if we are ready to look them squarely in the eye, someone else's vulnerability can bring comfort.

I hope on some small level I have offered that.

True, not everyone likes the mirror I hold up for reflection, but those that have responded are the ones I hold in my heart...

So as I close, I want to quote the new Killers album, "Day and Age". Yes, I might be a geek about them, but music fuels my soul and gives me hope...And I am grateful for it...

And so, from "This is Your Life".

"Wait for something better, no-one behind you, watching your shadows, this feeling won't go"...("you've got to be stronger than the story, don't let it blind you, rivers or shadow, this feeling won't go"...)