What a difference a year makes...

Not quite the title of Dinah Washington's ballad, but you get the drift...

As I look back to the chaos that was February at Cedars-Sinai, I feel compelled to track the journey of 2008.

Last November I reveled in the bliss of my 1.4 result. (Normal creatinine 0.5-1.4). Mine of last week was 2.9. As I've mentioned before, when I hit 3.5, I will be placed on a national donor list.

It still seems oh, so, surreal to me.

I suffer from headaches/migraines, no doubt due to the ever-constant increase in my toxic meds. My blood pressure has skyrocketed; the biggest sign that my kidney function is compromised. I feel exhausted, tired, and wiped out. Is this a result of my meds, or because of the loss of kidney function? Regardless, it saddens me.

I no longer focus on my acting career. I don't have the energy or drive and that, well, breaks my heart. I did have 4 makeup jobs this week. Validation was mine! Everyone needs to feel that they are exceptional at something, and my heart soared with this work. I love making clients feel gorgeous, sexy, complete.

Last year I was running 5 mi. a day. Now I'm grateful for 2 mi.

I miss feeling strong, invincible and fit. Oh, how folks take their health for granted. I think about my body and it's inadequacy every day. They get up every day with a jump in their step and embrace the day with vigor. Maybe not everyone; but most. And that's OK. I wish all of that and more for my friends...I just miss it for myself...

My greatest fear is dialysis.

When I was 19, it consumed my life. I am already living a fraction of what I used to relish. I am terrified to visit Cedars 3 times a week. It will obliterate the rest of my life. It will take up most of my time and that pisses me off...

But maybe, maybe, I won't ever have to go on dialysis...Maybe I will find a match before I get too sick. There is always hope, and I still cling to it madly...

And so, I try and live in the moment. Kevin and I have been tested greatly recently, but we are still blessed. Life is short, and despite weakness and pain, I have much to be grateful for.

I am loved, admired and respected and that has been the biggest blessing of all.