praying for pee

it's not a good sign when your doctor looks forlorn and defeated.

it's not pretty, folks.

constant, crippling nausea. no appetite. despite total anorexia, i'm up 10 lbs., because the excess fluid your body normally eliminates through your kidney(s) is now backed up and hangin' comfortably in my tissue.

["hang loose..."]

my greatest fear is what my ever skyrocketing blood pressure is doing to my organs. blood pressure med. number 3 was increased from 1 mg daily to 5 mg daily. prednisone was reduced from 4 mg daily to 3 mg daily. and my xanax was doubled.

[do you blame me?]

i think i can deal with the nausea, the dry heaving, the cramping, the returning headaches, the fungus, the mouth sores, the bruising, the weight gain, the exhaustion...for just a little while longer...

[i think i can. i think i can...]

i get it. we are officially at the end of this renal road.

and then it inevitably floated to the surface. the dreaded "d'" word.

dialysis.

my baby is shutting down faster than a government employee at 4:29 pm.

in order to get this done preemptively, time is not only of the essence, it is a figurative road block.

post-cedars, my cell rang for the umpteempth time. good news (?). cedars-sinai had approved me for a kidney transplant. now we wait 2 days to 2 weeks for blue shield to financially approve this as a medical necessity.

[whatever]

and then i get listed.

i will join UNOS. the united network of organ sharing and begin to accumulate "time". remember, without a living donor, i could be looking at a 7-15-20 year wait because i have already had a kidney transplant. i have antibodies from myself and my mother's kidney that could potentially interfere with acceptance of another organ.

fortunately, cedars-sinai is one of the only hospitals that has a program that addresses this antibody issue.

i am in good hands.

and i have a potential living donor.

[or two...or three...]

when my cell rang, kevin cracked. "remember the days when your cell rang off the hook with audition after audition, and we'd be bursting with excitement? now we celebrate medical approval for major surgery"...

["the times, they are a changin' "]

and we laughed.

and then we were very, very silent.

[timing is everything]

this is the man i have the biggest crush on. greater than donny osmond. greater than bono. and greater than brandon flowers.

a man who met with my aunt in israel-because he cares.

a man who has always respected my creative endeavors-because he cares.

a man who remembers everything i have told him over the last 14 years. my family, my career, kevin, our dogs, our travels, our burglaries-because he cares.

a man who looked like a part of him died when i overdosed-because he cares.

and a man who today, was defeated. because we are now at the end of my renal road-because he cares.

"first, do no harm" should be redefined for dr. dauer. "first, care"...because that's where he lives.

i know time is running out. and fast.

so every time i sit down to pee, i breathe in and out. and wait- and wait- and wait...

and eventually it comes, and i exhale an enormous sigh of relief. pee. it's all good.

[yup, i'm praying for pee...]

dialysis, you ain't got me yet...