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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

scenes from a normal life: enchanted

last night, we bundled up in bed together, moody folk in need of a lift.

i had taped "enchanted", starring amy adams, james marsden and partick dempsey. it's always been difficult to convince k. to embrace animation, despite it's fleeting involvement in this film. but, it was cute. amy was delightful, patrick was dreamy and james was an amusing caricature.

giselle (amy adams) believes she has found her one true love, edward; one mere day after meeting. edward (james marsden) is superficially suave, vain and aesthetically perfect. but beneath giselle's adorable veneer, a dormant craving for a deeper connection begins to rumble. then roar. unconsciously, it begs for awakening.

and with a similar, searing pain, i realized i knew all of the leads.

i had worked with james on an episode of a ridiculous series entitled "boogie's diner".

i had worked with patrick on a miniseries entitled "jfk: reckless youth". originally, i was assigned a single line. a fan of jfk, craving his autograph.

[type cast, indeed. i am the consummate groupie...bflo. hollah.]

but, for some inexplicable reason, director harry winer was besotted with me. my one line turned into four and he could never get over that claire forlani was the lead and not me.

[cue: arm thrown up against forehead. deep sigh]

and amy. a friend of bff, m, i have met at parties. [so l.a.] so, who you know. but who i know now, does me no good anymore.

it's what i need.

["hey, buddy, can you spare a kidney?"]

my heart was in spasm, but it was nothing compared to the aching waves that persisted.

today, i awoke to uncharted discomfort. listless cramps encasing me whole.

end stage renal failure: characterized by anorexia, edema, hypertension, nausea.

grade: F

"Our kidneys, we have two usually, have many functions. They remove waste products from the blood and also remove excess fluid. They do this by acting as a filter, thus producing urine. They also help control our blood pressure, the level of minerals in our bones and the production of red blood cells."
i have no appetite. i eat with no enthusiasm. and my bp SUX.
i know i have to eat, but nausea dictates. sneaks up from behind and throttles. i'm spent. edema keeps pounds way above my normal weight. and my hemoglobin infiltrates heavily like pounds of undigested stew... 
[there's a marked difference between confidence and arrogance. but, that's not on the agenda tonight.]
the line between reality and cynicism, even more subtle. like sea salt and kosher salt, we pretentiously roll it around on our tongues, but are never entirely sure which tastes better...
[ah, california sands swirl ferociously by. rub your eyes with defiant fists.]

[can you see?]
credit cards and blackberrys. ipads and and kindles and bmw's, oh, my!
it's not what i see. and it's not what i want.

this is what i see. beautiful, underrated boredom.

giselle plowed through her lost days in new york, searching desperately for her prince charming.
when, he finally arrived, they were no longer in tune; discordant.
the desert dust briefly clouds your judgement, but the southwest sun will always shine a spotlight of truth. 

poor giselle.

the truth is, there is no prince charming. we all know that. in fact, i wouldn't have it any other way.

do i hate being sick?

do i hate being dependent?

do i hate being disabled? of course.

but, while giselle prances around in a puffy ball gown, searching for the intangible, i know my joys lie firmly at home.

the monotony of produce selection. a bank deposit. and dollar store goodies...i'll take it.