About Me

My photo
Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
TO POST A COMMENT: Click on any "orange-colored" post title and scroll to the bottom.

Friday, December 10, 2010

shock the monkey

i was born in 1968. the year of the monkey.

i am very good at making monkey sounds. in fact, i love doing it.

[and you can clearly see the resemblance]

yesterday, k and i were driving, flipping between 2 sirius/xm stations bombarding us with juletide cheer. vic damone started crooning about "christmas in san francisco". riffing on chinatown, lychee nuts and barbeque pork...

say what?

so random, yet so apropo...

i'm entangled within a twisted logic to my life.

devolve, deteriorate, and slowly begin to die, before you can get help.

and make no mistake, i am now dying.

"hi, henriette. it's dr. dauer. your BUN is 78 (normal range 5-20) and your CREATININE is 4.5 (normal range 0.5-1.1). so we're going in the wrong direction. (sigh) continue to control your diet. i should see you more frequently now. call me if you start to feel much worse.

code for that other "d" word: dialysis.

[and yes, my doctor sighed]

it takes a lot to shock me. but that did.

it's that bodily jolt of electricity when the phone screams out in the silence of the night. limbs numb with fear. circuits sizzling with anticipatory images and fears.

tonight k. came home from costco with an electric blanket.

i used to mercilessly tease him for the kettle he once proudly presented upon my birthday.

["but, you like tea"]

but this gift brought tears to my eyes. for the man who remembered that i am now always cold.

and for 1987, when my mother bought me a free standing radiator. because i was always cold.

so now it's a race against time...

[hasn't it always been?]

-stress test: passed
-psych evaluation: passed
-mammogram: passed
-pap smear: passed
-neumovax vaccination: completed
-abdominal ultrasound: completed

and so next thursday the 16th, a team of medical professionals will evaluate whether or not i am fit for another kidney transplant.

then "blue shield" will take about a week and decide the very same thing.

[you know, i could bring some pretty ferocious cynical cracks right about now; but i'm tired...very tired]

and tonight, i am shocked into stoney silence. rigid in thought and frozen of mind. and don't ask about my heart. 

already diagnosed, but medication free; i love this 13 year old girl with all my heart.
she used to rewind peter gabriel's hit over and over and over again. she had just fallen in love. and she felt fanfuckingtastic.
and this chick. she rewinds brandon flowers over and over. is unquestionably in love. but is parched dry. tonight i am stripped of verbal eloquence; my vocabulary as barren as the shifting mounds of the sierra desert...

but, as far as i know, chris martin is cool with it...

"created, then drilled and invaded
if somebody made it
someone will mess it up

and you are not wrong to
ask who does this belong to
it belongs to all of us

you'll go backwards, but then
you'll go forwards again
you'll go backwards, but then
you'll go forwards"

[twisted logic.]

at least this monkey loves coldplay.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Hen- You leave me speechless and with a lump in my throat. And smiling too. You are awesome.