chitty, chitty, bang, bang...

unequivocally, a poor man's "sound of music", but,"chitty, chitty, bang, bang" remains the favorite flick from my youth.

starring the irrepressible, dick van dyke as a struggling "inventor" long on love for his two small kids, "Jeremy" and "Jemima", but short on ability to patent anything worthwhile. their tight threesome of affection is shattered and rebuilt by the tasty "Truly Scrumptious", (yes, that's her name). a beautiful and rich daughter of the local candy factory owner. She is a frothy confection, all aglow in muslin and white lace, brimming with genius, compassionate advice for both the children and dad, "Carraticus Potts".

but there are adventures along the way. a zeppelin filled with maniacal pirate/nazi types from the fictional "vulgaria", a king more insidiously depraved than any child should ever understand, and the creepy, eerie "child catcher"; luring children with "visions of sugarplums" into a hell where "it rubs the lotion on it's skin"...i could only watch him between fingers tightly clamped across my eyes and murmurs of "daddy, is he gone yet?"...

you can see why i love this movie, right?

i can't and i won't blame any of my life decisions on a movie; but i do remember how it resonated with me as a girl. the palpable loneliness in Truly's singing; longing for a family; a love of her own. the bumbling, well-meaning dad, who was never quite able to pull it together. and the 2 scruffy, ragamuffin kids. so close in age to my brother and i. so adoring of their father. so accepting of his faults. so very close to our own dysfunction.

for me there was a sadness that prevailed throughout this film, an underlying melancholy about lost love, unwanted children, and unsuccessful careers...of course, it all turns out just swell in the end, but i still can't listen to those tracks without hearkening back to my own childhood; with my heart breaking just a little bit every, single time...

"oh, you, pretty, chitty bang, bang, pretty chitty bang, bang, we love you"...

about a month ago, i had a follow-up appointment regarding the ruptured cyst in my left ovary back in may. with residual, unexplained pain, i was referred to a specialist in fetal medicine. being now, a connoisseur of both canadian and american health systems, i must admit the flat screen plasma hanging above the state-of-the-art ultrasound machine kinda blew my mind.

the doc was a trip. quirky and fascinated that i was a post renal transplant patient of 22+ years. so with doppler in hand, he enthusiastically squirted gel over my backside and began to search for the kidneys i told him he would never find. for over 10 years ago, i had an ultrasound of my lower back revealing my kidneys had all but disappeared. the right one had evaporated, and the left one was a shadow of its former self.

with my eerie, empty backside confirmed, he inquisitively moved the instrument frontside.

and there she was.

my mother's kidney. my life force. for better or for worse...MY kidney...

he lit up the blood flow, and let it's sound emanate throughout the room..."thump, thump, thump"...and spoke the deepest truth..."your kidney looks terrific"...

and in that moment, as my eyes typically filled with tears, i was knocked sideways by this one, simple realization.

this was my child.

in my heart, i know i was never meant to have children.

i love my 3 godsons. i love my niece and nephew. i adore my friends' children.

but this organ, lit up like the night sky ablaze with shooting stars, was my baby.

was i gun shy about having kids with a personal history of pain and dysfunction? no.

am i a "child catcher" who wants to rid the world of babes in arms? no.

sometimes we come to certain realizations later than expected. and as my admittedly, reluctant guru, oprah, likes to call it, we occasionally have these "a-ha" moments that blow our minds.

so there she lay. my donated organ. without whom i wouldn't be here.

and like a child, she has disappointed me, been my proudest accomplishment, and i would be incomplete without her.

yes, you have let me down. yes, i have made mistakes with you. but, i love you. and i would be nothing without you.

you are my chitty, chitty, bang, bang...flying high above the sky.

let's soar together forever...