About Me

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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Sunday, June 6, 2010

solitary confinment

so my entry about june 9th left me melancholy.

yes, there might be hope; but reading my pamphlet left me cold.

i have had frequent panic attacks this week.

the monumental forms have left me stone cold; scared beyond belief.

i appreciate all the warm love and support; but there is so much more on this journey...

an e-mail or entry on face book is warming and helpful.

but, a wall post is a minute at best; and i still have 23 hours and 59 minutes to suffer through.

so, judge me if you dare. i really don't care. chronic illness is a long and winding road. i can't work; have limits that leave me saddened and painful side effects.

so hope? good spirits? and expectation for the future? give me a break.

ah, when i was 19, i was sick and depressed. and nothing much has changed.

perhaps, this entry is gloomy; but i mourn all i have lost.

so, please understand my voyage.

i am scared, fearful and anxious.

wednesday the 9th will be stressful.

so, hold my hand during this day. i need it. i crave it and desire your love.

please help me through this time.


  1. I know this has been absolutely awful for you these past months, years, that you have been dealing with this. It's not an easy road and I commend you for how brave you are to face this head on. I know you are not looking forward to June 9th, but I can tell you that I am looking at it with hope in my heart that they will take the best care possible of you and that it is for the best that you make this next step. What you are facing is a scary thing and I wouldn't wish it on a million people but I know you are strong and you will come through this to continue a happy life full of those who love you and want to see you accomplish all the things that you want to. We love you and are always thinking about you.

  2. Sorry to lurk around your blog, but I find myself drawn here. (This is Wil's sister-in-law Charlyn, by the way.) You are a really lovely writer. My heart is full for you tonight and I wish the best for you on June 9th. I wish I knew you better or lived closer that I could attempt to cheer you in any way. Vacuum your carpet, feed you, give you a pedicure. Your strength is an inspiration. My fingers (and legs and eyes, etc.) are crossed for you.

  3. "Oh soul,you worry too much.

    You have seen your own strength.

    You have seen your own beauty.

    You have seen your golden wings.

    Of anything less,why do you worry?

    You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul ~Rumi

    I read this, and thought of you. You have so much more strength than I think you see. I dont know you, but I gotta say take a deep breath...hold on..maybe..just maybe instead of just survivin g the pain..this is your time to heal, and celebrate you. Instead of aching all the way to your core..maybe just maybe its time to belive that although this is not a perfect place to be, it is the right place to be in your life, right now...and if you cant..let the rest of us do it for you.
    Saying a big prayer to the universe for ya.