You Must Love Me

Confession time.

I've been extremely depressed. As joyous as I would like to remain, overwhelming factors have suppressed my spirit.

And it's not just the "health stuff", although that bag of tricks plagues me daily. From the side effects of my drugs to the unknown road that lies ahead to the disappointing results that dictate my next move. Oh, and especially the folk that misunderstand a piece of meat or "green powder" will aid my struggling kidney. After endless clarification, it's difficult not to get frustrated.

This kidney of mine is chugging along at 25% function. The toxic drugs are slowly consuming what's left of it. Not to mention the chronic low grade rejection that persists. One way or another this kidney is a goner. I'm not being negative here; simply realistic. 20 years has been remarkable, considering the average life of a transplanted kidney is 10 years.

Believe me, I have been grateful for every moment.

My depression certainly blossomed due to these factors, but there's much more to it.

When Kevin went to Scotland for 12 days I spent most of my time in bed, riddled with headaches/migraines. Naturally I missed him, but we've been apart many times before. But this time I felt unwell, compromised and quite frankly, sick. Pals invited me out, but my body refused. All it craved was rest and quiet. And well, I found that saddening, being all alone. It's one thing to choose isolation; quite another to have it forced upon you.

There was a Sunday that I called all my close friends, only to be greeted by the robotic tones of voice mail. Naturally, that can happen. But on that particular day I needed more. And it broke my heart to realize they were all with family/friends, enjoying what life has to offer. And thank God they were. Life is so precious, and if I can't flourish, I am thrilled that they can.

I believe my depression has its roots in validation. It has been eons since I've felt competent at anything. My acting career has been stagnant for quite some time, and after the explosion with which it began, that has been a difficult path to navigate. I love my husband more than anything, ANYTHING, yet he receives compliments on a daily basis as to his photography. Perhaps this is not his dream, but one thing I have learned is that we all crave validation. We all need to be told that we have an impact on people/this world. It has been a long time since I have felt good at anything and that has slowly eroded my soul.

It's not just the lack of acting. Indeed, I believe I am done with the shallow, unfulfilling, hypocrisy of "the business". It quietly, insidiously takes a toll upon your self-esteem. I used to say I had 4 part-time jobs - acting, make-up, assistant to Kevin and homemaker. Now that these roles are compromised, I feel utterly inadequate. I feel half-assed and lame and desperately crave a strong, fit, energetic body once again.

Boy, am I envious of the busy lives my friends lead. I was that girl once. And in this mess I am trying to find a glimmer, a ray of light that might invigorate me once more. It's not easy when your body won't co-operate, but validation comes in many forms.

Pinpointing mine might just take a little while longer...