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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Yes, it's been a while since I checked in. The month long trip up to Winnipeg was all-consuming and then we went to Vegas (for an awesome Killers concert!). But, I suspect there is more to it than that. And I am trying to figure out why. Why is it always so much easier to psycho-analyze others' issues and not your own? Ah, HA!

Fear consumes me. I read recently that it will be harder for me to get a transplant. I have antibodies from my Mum's kidney that may attack my new donor's kidney. Yes, it scares me, but not as much as dialysis. It's a debilitating way of life, and I don't want to live that way...it's hell on earth...

I appreciate that I still have legs, I don't have cancer, MS, or anything else. Yet, my side effects continue to plague me. I now have high blood pressure (a sign of kidney failure),spots all over my body,(from my pills, no doubt), headaches, and I haven't had my period since August.

Super Freak, indeed.

When I was in Winnipeg, I embraced it fully and love Kevin's family very, very much. But, it's a small town that I am not used to, and well, living in your in-laws basement can try the best of us.

Is this where I dreamed of being at age 40? No. Sadly, all my dreams have vanished away...Dissipated in the California winds...

Sadness permeates my soul. Such a trying time for everyone. But for us, the combination of my stagnant career, a plummeting economy, and the stress of my health is a lot to bear.

And so I wonder. I have fun with Kevin and friends, but I often feel like they don't truly understand how often I get sick. I sleep 10 hours a night; I haven't worked out due to lack of energy for ever so long. I hate that. I miss that so much.

GOD, what a winer. I don't live in Darfur, after all...

And so why have I resisted my blog? Denial? Admittedly, there is a big part of me that wishes this would all go away. Some mornings it takes everything within me to swallow those 13 pills. But I think it's more complicated than that...

Although I really don't subscribe to this way of thinking, societal pressures bear down and compile. I truly believe success is the effort you put forth. And yet...And yet. I still feel unsuccessful, lost and weak.

Although I love my husband very much, it's very hard to see him succeed at photography, retouching, directing, bag piping and singing. God, what a talent he has. He is amazing. But, me, I flail searching for a new direction. But my career will have to wait. I have a long road ahead of me and that doesn't include the pursuit of something new. It's too draining...

But such is the roller coaster of life. There are highs and lows, and the challenge is to conquer them all.

I told you these were confessions!!!

So here's the Big Kahuna.

I have a problem, my friends (a la McCain...).

This is not easy for me to confess, but I need help.

I have been abusing my migraine medication for about a year. It zones me out of my troubled state and helps me forget the world I live in.

Surprised? This innocent face conceals many secrets.

I was prescribed this in 1991, and when I left Cedars in February, it helped me with all the pain I endured. But then I started to exceed my dosage.

I use it to avoid my sadness. And I know that's wrong.

It's ironic, eh? The woman that eats outstandingly well, loves exercising, and is losing kidney function is an addict. WOW. I guess I am. But sometimes my situation is too much for me to handle. No excuse, I know. Judge me if you want. It runs in my family, you know.

My Dad was an alcoholic who died when I was 10 from complications of diabetes. He was also being investigated by the RCMP for drug abuse.

Familial cycles, indeed.

He never took care of himself, and I always prided myself on the way I took care of my health. 20 years for a transplant, when the norm is 10.

I adored my father, but saw his addiction. I don't want to do that to Kevin (or myself).

I am not proud of this. I worry constantly that I will be on dialysis for years, and maybe that's my catalyst.

Please pray for me. I need strength, I need love and I need understanding.

And thank you for all of your support. You are my angels... without it I fear I would be flying on broken wings...


  1. Keep writing let the poison live here making room for better healthy energy. Can't say much more than I love you and I keep you in my mind. Big hugs and sloppy kisses

  2. you are an amazing being...love you SO much! h xo