i have not flown for 3 and a half years. and i have never flown sober.
yesterday Kevin and i flew the Friendly Skies up to The Great White North.
here's my hashtag rap on what has and has not changed about flying.
the last time i was up at 5:15 am was for my kidney transplant. and THAT was negotiable. #nothumaninthemorning #nightowl
note to self, when the printer breaks at 6am while Husband is printing the boarding passes—before his coffee kicks in—you back away slowly, turn and run. #stepawayfromtheprinter
a sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie sits across from you on the airport shuttle. you think, "Aw. Cute." when the sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie begins to chant, "Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit", you think, "Aw. Cute." when the sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie's parents ask her to give up her seat, you think, "Uh-oh". and when the sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie begins to scream, "NO! NO! N-OOOOOO!", as her parents wrangle her screaming, flailing body onto their laps, you think, "I wonder if that hoodie zips over her head." #betternotbeonmyflight
even Security Checkpoint can be fun with Nicki Minaj's wannabe working the mic like a rap star. #feedback #workit #noliquidsorgels
it looks like it's gonna be an A-1 day when the metal in Husband's spinal fusion does not trigger an evacuation. #bionicman #soundthealarms
when you pay $17.57 for 2 waters, 2 Clif bars, Mentos and a magazine at the "I Love LA" store, you think, "Actually, that's not bad." #whatadeal #supplyanddemand #starbucksyndrome
to the woman sitting next to me in the window seat who did not look up once: "DUDE. i'm sure "Philomena" is a great read, but if you're going to book the window seat, either: 1) look out of the fucking window or 2) close the shade so i can sleep. #clueless
and BTW, one of the arm rests is MINE. #middleseatsyndrome#itsthelaw
when the smell of alcohol in the morning comes wafting up from the back galley, you do not think mimosa. you do not think mimosa. you do not think mimosa. #sobergirl
your beloved Husband comforts you with sweet nothings to calm your fears. Me to Husband: "Can I have a Mentos?" Husband to Me: "Yeah. you need one." #whatacatch
Cue Me: evil-eye. folded arms. raised eyebrow. Cue Husband: "Yup. That's how we're going to end. Murder-Suicide." #aintitthetruth #tildeathdouspart #theydontknowaboutus
you graciously pass on the delicious, airplane-snack-offerings of migraine triggers (cheese triangles), nitrates (salami) and preservatives (sesame snacks) and go straight for the cup of tea sprinkled with cancer coke (aspartame). #yum #delish
Husband soothingly lulls you to sleep reading your recent passport stamps, "Copenhagen." #denmark
scratch that. your husband soothingly lulls you to sleep reading HIS recent passport stamps, "Heathrow, Winnipeg, Heathrow, Winnipeg, Heathrow, Winnipeg...." #scotland #bagpipes #canada #family
you think, "Gee. Airplanes have become REALLY loud.", until you realize Husband is snoring with his mouth open. #thatshot
you sleep on the first leg to Calgary, missing your opportunity to catch Ben Stiller in a "very special performance" in "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" #seriousactor #douche
as the plane makes an extreme left turn over the city of Calgary towards the airport, the words "Holy Cripe!" actually fall from Husband's lips. #canttakecanadaoutoftheboy
when you deplane (have we decided if this is a verb?) from the plane you are only slightly disturbed that the first officer looks like a 12 year-old boy. #gettingold
Aunt Flow is there to greet you as you arrive at Calgary International Airport. #awesome #cramps #aleveandtylenoldonotabuzzmake
meltdown #2 begins when Husband's booked photo studio suddenly folds. Husband nearly loses 18 clients, 5 days of shoots and 1 surprisingly stoic, supportive wife. #notanaprilfoolsjoke #baldheadsgetreallyred #sweatmuch
you are assigned an exit row seat, and instructed how to slide your hand under the plastic cover and pull down on the emergency door lever after checking for smoke, fire and debris out on the wing. but what do i do if i see the little man from The Twilight Zone? #notqualified #toomuchresponsibility
on the flight to Winnipeg, you score the window AND the middle seat. #redemption
Husband makes up for bad breath crack and meltdown #2 by inviting you to "snuggle" with your head in his lap. #myhusbandiscoolerthanyours
in the parking garage elevator, 2 business men compare apps on the weather. #youknowyoureincanadawhen
airplanes still smell like ass. #febreeze
so in the final analysis, flying is still a giant, wonderful pain.
Winnipeg is still here. it's still cold. but there's nothing more warming than spotting your father-in-law at the airport as his face lights up against the snow.
#love #family #happy