fast times at cedars high

today i was at cedars-sinai for a "stress test".

there's a twisted irony about it all.

i was in full on panic mode. this gal is not a fan of the unknown. lay it on me, mofo...THEN, i can deal.

when i arrived at cedars, after driving like the baddest biddy in beverly hills, i parked in the beverly centre; and crossed over into the imaging centre.

i always feel so glamorous being treating here...so "beverly hills, 90210". remember "ah-ndrea" had her baby, hannah, here? ah, the dreams i have fulfilled! i am too cool for school...

and so it went.

registration. pulling out the list of now (only 20!) meds i am on. insurance card. wristband.

though, on a voraciously narcissistic side note, my registration attendant thought i was 25...

fuck, yeah. i'll take it.

and so i waited. to get my heart scanned. IV in. injected with radioactive dye, i laughed inwardly at the angst my friends feel over a can of coke, or red meat...

what was swirling through my veins?

though freezing cold, the ridiculous comfort i felt confused this broken soul. i'm so used to these tests. used to the pain of the IV entering my vein. used to the gowns, the questions, the blood draws and the protocol.

doesn't make it any more fun, though...

then there was two, 10 minute heart scans, and then i moved over to THE TREADMILL. once upon a time, i ran 5 miles a day. that machine left me with a painful ache that never dissipated...

[goddamn, i miss my life.]

the other night, kevin and i watched "the road". i cheated as i was 1/3 of the way through cormac mccarthy's novel. i never like to watch a film before i have read the novel.

it's not for the faint of heart. it charts the father/son journey through a post apocalyptic world as they attempt to find better conditions in the south.

at one point, i turned to kevin and asked, "would you want to live like that?"

and so it raised the question of quality of life.

[don't look at me. i'm just a canuck with a big mouth, no kidneys, and a passion for life...]

but what would you put up with?

in this novel/film and margaret atwood's latest musings on a post-apocalyptic world ("oryx and crake" and "the year of the flood"), they challenge the elasticity of our limits.

what would make you snap?

those three novels paint; sculpt portraits of the ferocious will to live that exists within the human condition.

i often feel trapped. my condition dictates a life of drugs and transplanted organs.

i was slightly cynical in my last post. i am grateful for much, but sometimes, sometimes...

much like atwood's books where an entirely new language is created, i feel like i live in the land of the undiscovered; unconquered.

never mind the forest for the trees, where is the goddamn country?

but, it's here where it's always been. within me.

i can do this. but, do i want to?

["i never promised you a rose garden"]

and as i climbed into our station wagon, 5 hours later, i knew the answer was "yes"...

and then brandon flowers serenaded me all the way home...

ahhh...life ain't so bad.