there's a great line in this U2 song...
"it's a long way down to nothing at all"....
so despite this omnipresent limbo in which i reside, i dare not embrace the term "rock bottom".
dare i? nope, i dare not.
do i walk 5 miles a day, barefoot, in insufferable heat for water? can i walk? can i see?
what i see is a compromised life. true. physical limits that emotionally bind.
but what i feel, from time to fleeting time, is hope.
just over a month ago, i lay in an uncomfortable, hospital bed for 8 nights. night after night, i lay alone with my thoughts. but, pity not this victim. i am a victim of my own creation.
my near-brush with 51-50 left me spent. speechless and shell-shocked.
look it up. it's f-ing intense.
so, it had come to this...
my chronic illness, addiction and depression had put me in the last place in the world i wanted to be...
cedars-sinai may tower over beverly hills, but no glamor lies in its shadow.
just stone cold pain.
ah, but i spoke of hope...
today, i spoke with dr. dauer. my 75 year-old physician whom i adore. my creatinine is 2.6 (normal 0.5-1.4). my BUN is 60 (normal 8-26).
that's a lot of bodily waste hangin' around doing nothin' but bringing me down...
["don't bring me down"]
we discussed my increase in bruising, an additional decrease in prednisone and my exhaustion, and shared a chuckle.
ME: "well, i did a few errands, and i am exhausted"...
HIM: "well, i haven't done any errands, and i'm exhausted"...
not just a doctor, but a soul who refuses to give up on me. who pushes me to find the positive.
a relationship beyond description.
so, yeah. i'm pissed. i'm scared. all the crap you've heard before.
but, do i have hope?
and apparently hope appears when you least expect it.
leaving you unstuck....