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Los Angeles, California
I am 47 and thriving in Southern California. One day at a time.
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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

stuck in a moment you can't get out of

there's a great line in this U2 song...

"it's a long way down to nothing at all"....

so despite this omnipresent limbo in which i reside, i dare not embrace the term "rock bottom".


dare i? nope, i dare not.

do i walk 5 miles a day, barefoot, in insufferable heat for water? can i walk? can i see?

what i see is a compromised life. true. physical limits that emotionally bind.

but what i feel, from time to fleeting time, is hope.

just over a month ago, i lay in an uncomfortable, hospital bed for 8 nights. night after night, i lay alone with my thoughts. but, pity not this victim. i am a victim of my own creation.

my near-brush with 51-50 left me spent. speechless and shell-shocked.

look it up. it's f-ing intense.

so, it had come to this...

my chronic illness, addiction and depression had put me in the last place in the world i wanted to be...

cedars-sinai may tower over beverly hills, but no glamor lies in its shadow.

just stone cold pain.

ah, but i spoke of hope...

today, i spoke with dr. dauer. my 75 year-old physician whom i adore. my creatinine is 2.6 (normal 0.5-1.4). my BUN is 60 (normal 8-26).

that's a lot of bodily waste hangin' around doing nothin' but bringing me down...

["don't bring me down"]

we discussed my increase in bruising, an additional decrease in prednisone and my exhaustion, and shared a chuckle.

ME: "well, i did a few errands, and i am exhausted"...

HIM: "well, i haven't done any errands, and i'm exhausted"...

[shared laughter]

not just a doctor, but a soul who refuses to give up on me. who pushes me to find the positive.

a relationship beyond description.

so, yeah. i'm pissed. i'm scared. all the crap you've heard before.

but, do i have hope?


and apparently hope appears when you least expect it.

leaving you unstuck....

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