So it's Canadian Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving conjures up images of a long table laden with rich food,
surrounded by laughing members of a functional family who actually like
each other. We are told to stuff ourselves with a turkey dinner and unironically declare what we are grateful for. It usually goes something like this: "I'm grateful for my health, my family, my home...".
I humbly submit to you, my alternative:
1) I am grateful my kidney transplant failed. I would not have known what I can survive.
2) I am grateful my husband is out of town. I would not have known how much I can miss him.
3) I am grateful Daddy died when I was 10. I would not have known you can build a family with friends.
4) I am grateful for the isolation of arctic Canadians winters. I would never have savored the nostalgic longing of the California heat.
5) I am grateful for Facebook. I now understand the definition of "A Colossal Waste of Time." As an aside, I also understand the definition of "hypocrite."
6) I am grateful for our suffocating medical debt. I have learned the meaning of "Money Well Spent."
7) I am grateful I have never tried Botox. #1. As an addict, I wouldn't know when to quit AND #2. Damn. Those people look crazy!
8) I am grateful for the hell of a migraine. It puts me in the moment faster than anything on earth.
9 ) I am grateful Oprah is no longer on the air. Actually, That's a lie. I miss her.
10) I am grateful Nickleback seems to have disappeared. It needed to be said.
11) I am grateful Prednisone is the single worst taste on Earth. Anything after that morning pill is bliss.
12) I am grateful all of my dogs died. I would not have known how deeply I can love an animal.
13) I am grateful a tarantula (Lois) lives by my back door. She teaches me to walk through my fears every day.
14) I am grateful it's increasingly more difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning. Because once I'm up, I'm golden.
15) I am grateful I didn't succeed as an actress. I would never have discovered how much I love writing.
16) I am grateful Nicki Minai exists. I now realize how underrated silence is.
17) I am grateful my hair is falling out. I have learned the more I focus on beauty, the uglier I feel.
18) I am grateful organic meat is really expensive. I would not have
discovered the glory that is tofu, tempeh and all things legume.
19) I am grateful for back fat. Not really. I just don't understand what it is.
20) I am grateful I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I would never have found my god.