#iamcanadian

life in Winnipeg is nothing like growing up in an apartment in downtown Toronto.

drive 5 minutes north from my in-laws and you could be hunting moose in the wilds of Winnipeg [a slight Campbellishment, but hey.] but it's a funny thing being Canadian. with 3 planes home, a hop, skip and quantum leap is made from the slush-streaming streets of Winterpeg back to the palm-tree littered lanes of Los Angeles.

i am home. to the heat. to our hound. to my happy.

and yet. i find myself missing The Coldest City in The World (with a population of over 600,000); the borough burgeoning with Art and Soul. the quaint burg that has finally captured my heart.

What I Will Miss About Winnipeg: #nooneismoresurprisedthanme

Winnipeggers throw down weather stats harder than a newborn takes to it's Mother's nipple. #insatiable

the flicker of love i felt for the Filipino immigrant who completed my order at Tim Horton's like a true Canuck should. "That was all, EH?" #weareallimmigrants #timmys  

Timbits. #nuffsaid

i forgot that listening to French makes my throat hurt. #anglophone

it was genuinely exciting to see patches of green grass emerge from underneath rock hard mounds of gray snow—and it was discussed with much enthusiasm. #changeofseasons

my niece went to school on a 1° C/34° F morning wearing only a sweater and i did not think "Hmmm. Bad parenting." i thought, "Amen, sister!". #springhassprung

i forgot that loonies and toonies are real money. and damn, do they add up. #funnymoney

driving is to Winnipeg as a hot bubble bath is to Me. #relaxing #stressfree

driving is to Los Angeles as Armageddon is to The World. #deargod

i can get anywhere in Winnipeg in about 25 minutes. in L.A. time, this is getting to the grocery store. #traffic #gasguzzler #killmenow

Canadian alcoholics are really friendly! #welcome #sobergirl

hashtag games with your niece and nephew are fun and free! #rad #bless #dearharrypotter #insidejoke

the passion with which hockey was discussed made me want to pitch a net in the street, throw on my Grade 5 goalie mask and yell, "CAR!" #goaliegirl #puckisnotashakespeariancharacter

the feel of freezing air against my bare legs on a walk was exhilarating, then shocking, then dangerous, then exhilarating again. #frostbite #iamcanadian

the Weather Channel plays 24/7 at my in-laws and is watched for change like the NY Stock Exchange Ticker. #buy #sell #celsius

the profusion of "beaver" references throughout the city did not make me break out into giggles. ok. maybe a little. #beaverbus #ridethebeaver #insertjokehere

the way Husband got worked up when discussing Universal Health Care. #gohillary

i became nostalgic at the sight and sound of Canada Geese flying overhead. #honk #musictomyears #cominghome

Winnipeg's sand-covered streets did not leave unsightly stains on my MIL's borrowed boots the way Toronto's salt-covered streets do. #notetoself

the secret sense of pride i felt whenever someone apologized for no reason. #sorry #noimsorry #noimsorry

Husband made requisite stop at Vancouver airport "Roots" store and purchased an old-school "beaver" t-shirt. #madeincanada

i knew before walking into the Vancouver Duty-Free there would be a bounty of Mountie, Moose and Maple Syrup products to peruse. #comfortfood
 
the Stars and Stripes is duly impressive, but there's nothing like the sight of that red Maple Leaf fluttering against the wind. #ohcanada

it's a funny thing, Winnipeg. everyone talks about how cold it is.

but no-one talks about how warm the place makes you feel.

#family #laughs #love

3 years

There once was a very sick Hen,
Mummy's kidney long since gone to bed.
The Hen wailed and she cried,
"YOU DON'T KNOW!", her firm cry,
But they'd end every night with a kiss.

Young KMAC came through in the pinch,
Fluttered around her all day like a finch.
He shot and he shopped,
In hell of illness were they caught.
But they'd end every night with a kiss.

Of washcloths and tiger balm was she made,
Constant pain and headaches ne'er to fade.
He'd smile and he'd sing,
Walking a tightrope of string,
But they'd end every night with a kiss.

After long came the day they did "match",
A weak smile was all that Hen could hatch.
Endless pills did she swallow,
Yet inside she remained hollow,
But they'd end every night with a kiss.

A plastic beast of tubes, dialysis still came,
Filtering poison from Hen's blood was its game.
From toxic shock would she shake,
He'd pace long, wide awake,
But they'd end every night with a kiss.

Of funny color would Hen lie in his arms,
With heavy heart he'd still smother his charms.
Long days too empty to fill,
The cold nights longer still,
But they'd end every night with a kiss.

One dark night, broke Cedars-Sinai like a dawn,
A fistful of filters, his kidney, his pawn.
To bring health to his wife,
To ease all of her strife,
And they ended that night with a kiss.

The road to Happily Ever After remained littered still,
With pain and regret and those pills,
It took time, separation,
Next stop: Confusion Station.
But they'd text every night still a kiss.

With clear eyes, heart and soul now she nods,
Empowered with new strength she calls god,
"The Kid" robust; how he pees!
For now strong, no guarantees,
And they end every night with a kiss.

"In sickness and in Health" did you squeeze,
My hand, upon a puffy white dress, I believe.
I squeeze back, harder still,
Forever yours, "Yes. I will.",
And we'll end every night with a kiss.

They don't know about us, do they, mouse?
The horror, the joy, that permeated our house.
But we laugh, just for today,
Loud, louder still, unafraid,
And we'll end every night with a kiss.

#myhusbandiscoolerthanyours

#flyingsober

i have not flown for 3 and a half years. and i have never flown sober.

yesterday Kevin and i flew the Friendly Skies up to The Great White North.

here's my hashtag rap on what has and has not changed about flying.

the last time i was up at 5:15 am was for my kidney transplant. and THAT was negotiable. #nothumaninthemorning #nightowl

note to self, when the printer breaks at 6am while Husband is printing the boarding passes—before his coffee kicks in—you back away slowly, turn and run. #stepawayfromtheprinter

a sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie sits across from you on the airport shuttle. you think, "Aw. Cute." when the sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie begins to chant, "Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit", you think, "Aw. Cute." when the sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie's parents ask her to give up her seat, you think, "Uh-oh". and when the sweet-looking 2 year-old girl in a polka-dot hoodie begins to scream, "NO! NO! N-OOOOOO!", as her parents wrangle her screaming, flailing body onto their laps, you think, "I wonder if that hoodie zips over her head." #betternotbeonmyflight

even Security Checkpoint can be fun with Nicki Minaj's wannabe working the mic like a rap star. #feedback #workit #noliquidsorgels

it looks like it's gonna be an A-1 day when the metal in Husband's spinal fusion does not trigger an evacuation.  #bionicman #soundthealarms

when you pay $17.57 for 2 waters, 2 Clif bars, Mentos and a magazine at the "I Love LA" store, you think, "Actually, that's not bad." #whatadeal #supplyanddemand #starbucksyndrome

to the woman sitting next to me in the window seat who did not look up once: "DUDE. i'm sure "Philomena" is a great read, but if you're going to book the window seat, either: 1) look out of the fucking window or 2) close the shade so i can sleep. #clueless

and BTW, one of the arm rests is MINE. #middleseatsyndrome#itsthelaw

when the smell of alcohol in the morning comes wafting up from the back galley, you do not think mimosa. you do not think mimosa. you do not think mimosa. #sobergirl

your beloved Husband comforts you with sweet nothings to calm your fears. Me to Husband: "Can I have a Mentos?" Husband to Me: "Yeah. you need one." #whatacatch

Cue Me: evil-eye. folded arms. raised eyebrow. Cue Husband: "Yup. That's how we're going to end. Murder-Suicide." #aintitthetruth #tildeathdouspart #theydontknowaboutus

you graciously pass on the delicious, airplane-snack-offerings of migraine triggers (cheese triangles), nitrates (salami) and preservatives (sesame snacks) and go straight for the cup of tea sprinkled with cancer coke (aspartame). #yum #delish

Husband soothingly lulls you to sleep reading your recent passport stamps, "Copenhagen." #denmark

scratch that. your husband soothingly lulls you to sleep reading HIS recent passport stamps, "Heathrow, Winnipeg, Heathrow, Winnipeg, Heathrow, Winnipeg...." #scotland #bagpipes #canada #family

you think, "Gee. Airplanes have become REALLY loud.", until you realize Husband is snoring with his mouth open. #thatshot

you sleep on the first leg to Calgary, missing your opportunity to catch Ben Stiller in a "very special performance" in "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" #seriousactor #douche

as the plane makes an extreme left turn over the city of Calgary towards the airport, the words "Holy Cripe!" actually fall from Husband's lips. #canttakecanadaoutoftheboy

when you deplane (have we decided if this is a verb?) from the plane you are only slightly disturbed that the first officer looks like a 12 year-old boy. #gettingold

Aunt Flow is there to greet you as you arrive at Calgary International Airport. #awesome #cramps #aleveandtylenoldonotabuzzmake

meltdown #2 begins when Husband's booked photo studio suddenly folds. Husband nearly loses 18 clients, 5 days of shoots and 1 surprisingly stoic, supportive wife. #notanaprilfoolsjoke #baldheadsgetreallyred #sweatmuch

you are assigned an exit row seat, and instructed how to slide your hand under the plastic cover and pull down on the emergency door lever after checking for smoke, fire and debris out on the wing. but what do i do if i see the little man from The Twilight Zone? #notqualified #toomuchresponsibility

on the flight to Winnipeg, you score the window AND the middle seat. #redemption

Husband makes up for bad breath crack and meltdown #2 by inviting you to "snuggle" with your head in his lap. #myhusbandiscoolerthanyours

in the parking garage elevator, 2 business men compare apps on the weather. #youknowyoureincanadawhen

and finally,

airplanes still smell like ass. #febreeze

so in the final analysis, flying is still a giant, wonderful pain.

Winnipeg is still here. it's still cold. but there's nothing more warming than spotting your father-in-law at the airport as his face lights up against the snow.

#love #family #happy