true blood

after 4 days of involuntary, bed confinement this week, even an 8 am call to cedars sounded like a lovely, lazy saunter along the promenade upon a sunday afternoon...

i was discharged last sunday, with an enormous question mark tattooed on my forehead.

"still rejecting?"

only a few days of the new immunosuppressive, "prograf" would reveal...

side effects have manifested intensely. in addition to the iv pulse steroids i received 3 days of, post- biopsy, inpatient; i now attempt to balance everything from migraines to tremors to nausea to GI issues to complete loss of appetite. i have lost 5 lbs. since the biopsy. this last week has been a memory card of pain and distortion i can't wait to esc. from.

[delete, delete, delete]

i am now medicated with oxycodone, several tbs. a day, just so i can put an entire pair of shoes on. i have scaled the ladder of painkillers to the tippy top, and wobble precariously at the top, still finding no relief.

but for now, i "hang in there", currently lying on the edge of my bed, waiting for the blood results that should come through in the next few hours.

these results will determine everything...

am i still rejecting?

do we lower prograf?

or do we switch back to cyclosporine and increase my baseline (decreasing kidney life) ?

this wasn't the visual. this wasn't the graphic. and i don't like the pitch.

more painful than this watched bucket of water boil over and scald my entire frame.

or is that bucket of blood?