what's for breakfast?

ORDER UP!:

1) CellCept (Mycophenolate Mofetil): immunosupression. 1 g twice daily

2) Neoral (Cyclosporine): immunosupression. 125 mg am/ 100 mg pm

3) Prednisone: immunosupression. 8 mg once daily

4) Inderal (Propranolol): hypertension. 80 mg/LA twice daily

5) Amlodipine Besylate (Norvasc): hypertension. 2.5 mg at bedtime

6) Lexapro: depression. 10 mg once daily

7) Nortriptyline (Pamelor): depression/preventative for headaches. 75 mg at bedtime

8) Tizanidine (Zanaflex): preventative for headaches. 4 mg three times daily

9) Furosemide (Lasix): diuretic. 20 mg once daily

10) Sodium Bicarbonate: elevated CO2 in blood. TWO 650 mg tablets twice daily

11) Calcium Citrate: osteopenia. 1000mg once daily

12) Ferrous Gluconate (Iron): anemia. 27 mg once daily

13) Nephro-Vite: vitamin designed for compromised kidney function. ONE tablet once daily

14) Alprazolam (Xanax): anxiety. take every 4 hours as needed

15) Zolpidem Tartrate (Ambien): insomnia. take one tablet at bedtime

16) Sumatriptan (Imitrex): for migraine headache. take one tablet. repeat after 2 hours

17) Metronidazole (MET lotion 1%): rosacea

[ oh, and i like to throw in a fish oil tablet. just 'cause.(18) ]

DIRECTIONS:

take daily with sentimental glass of strawberry milk.

restrain self from tossing drawer of medications over hill.

silently curse the revolting taste of prednisone.

vocally praise how freakin' young it makes me look.

swallow final pill. close drawer. sigh.

SMILE.

stuck in a moment you can't get out of

there's a great line in this U2 song...

"it's a long way down to nothing at all"....

so despite this omnipresent limbo in which i reside, i dare not embrace the term "rock bottom".

["flinch"]

dare i? nope, i dare not.

do i walk 5 miles a day, barefoot, in insufferable heat for water? can i walk? can i see?

what i see is a compromised life. true. physical limits that emotionally bind.

but what i feel, from time to fleeting time, is hope.

just over a month ago, i lay in an uncomfortable, hospital bed for 8 nights. night after night, i lay alone with my thoughts. but, pity not this victim. i am a victim of my own creation.

my near-brush with 51-50 left me spent. speechless and shell-shocked.

look it up. it's f-ing intense.

so, it had come to this...

my chronic illness, addiction and depression had put me in the last place in the world i wanted to be...

cedars-sinai may tower over beverly hills, but no glamor lies in its shadow.

just stone cold pain.

ah, but i spoke of hope...

today, i spoke with dr. dauer. my 75 year-old physician whom i adore. my creatinine is 2.6 (normal 0.5-1.4). my BUN is 60 (normal 8-26).

that's a lot of bodily waste hangin' around doing nothin' but bringing me down...

["don't bring me down"]

we discussed my increase in bruising, an additional decrease in prednisone and my exhaustion, and shared a chuckle.

ME: "well, i did a few errands, and i am exhausted"...

HIM: "well, i haven't done any errands, and i'm exhausted"...

[shared laughter]

not just a doctor, but a soul who refuses to give up on me. who pushes me to find the positive.

a relationship beyond description.

so, yeah. i'm pissed. i'm scared. all the crap you've heard before.

but, do i have hope?

yup.

and apparently hope appears when you least expect it.

leaving you unstuck....