running to stand still

I'm not quite sure why I haven't updated my blog. My health has taken a turn for the worse. My blood pressure is high, which frightens me. I now take two blood pressure pills a day, and it only contributes to the destruction of my kidney. My creatinine is now 3.3 (normal 0.4-1.5). I am very close to 3.5, at which point I will be placed on the donor list. I am terrified of dialysis.

I recently read that on dialysis "you live", but with a transplant "you are alive"...

Forgive me, but I need to express how frustrated I feel with people who enjoy their lives. I can't work any longer and feel despondent when I get up in the morning. I simply don't like my life.

I often feel tired, headache-y, nauseous and apathetic. Kidneys filter our blood stream and balance our minerals. At 10% kidney function, I am often in bed, resting and without focus. I miss my life. More than I can say.

I am so envious of those who travel, thrive and enjoy their friends. I wish that for myself as well. I can't stand it when people are "bored". How ungrateful they are. Good health is a precious commodity; but maybe only those in peril can appreciate it.

Don't forget to hold good health close to your heart. Without it, you can accomplish nothing. Currently, this is my life. There are many who suffer in pain, and it's just not fair. But who said life was fair?

I don't feel sorry for myself, just sad.

And so this is my journey...and it will be a long one.