who are you wearing?

this is the face of fear.

[well, clearly it's the face of a number of things, but fear is definitely one of them.]

i didn't sleep much last night. i kept thinking about the toronto hospitalization of '01. e coli poisoning had struck and i was in acute rejection. it was a crazy time. i was alone. in a sublet. in toronto. our bessie lou basset had just died. oh, and a little thing called 9/11 had just taken place.

[good times.]

truthfully, i was in too much pain to be afraid; the upside of agony. as i moaned in and out of focus, i became aware of commotion behind the curtain. an army of white coats had converged around my neighbor's bed for A Very Important Conversation.

my bedside buddy was told her kidney had rejected. her brother's kidney, often a better match than a parent, after 5 years, had just stopped working. it had happened fast. very fast. and my neighbor's despair soaked through the curtain like red wine on a white shag rug.

shock with a chaser of devastation.

...the omnipresent mood suggests if i can "just hold on!" for the magical mystery date, that all will be wrapped up in a bow...

irritating? yes. accurate? no.

her biggest fear realized is mine possibly materialized.

i called dr. dauer's office last week because i couldn't stand not one more minute. not one more minute of   rocking in bed with a heated pillow. not one more minute of kevin rubbing my temples in bed. not one more minute of being in bed.

so we moved up my appointment by a week. to today. at 3 pm.

today we will weigh the pros and cons of dialysis.

today i will ask my doctor if hooking up with a machine will make me feel better.

[insert vibrator joke here]

so while the rest of the world seems to be concerned with saving a sitcom and oscar dresses, i'm wondering how i'll get dressed.

and when i do, i'll be fabulous.

[look, kidney disease at 19 was just annoying...but renal failure at 42 is a bitch...]