born this way

tonight, i slapped on some war paint and braved the streets of burbank.

i've never really cared for valentine's day. smacking of another pressure point The Establishment subtly manipulates; breaking us down into submission.

[flowers and candies and balloons, oh my!]

like the artificial amusement disneyland provides; a brave new world stripped of imagination and force fed archetypes. how does a large, plastic mouse spark any one's interest anyway?

[my guess is soma.]

give me greek mythology and grimm's fairy tales any day. tales fraught with danger. thorny plot points and characters unredeemed. leaving you emotionally cut and bleeding.

[f@*k cinderella...wow! you found my shoe!]

dump the plastic mannequins; saran wrapped and suffocated of any germ of creativity.

even at age 10, when i finally conquered disney world, my disappointment was palpable. zipping down the I-95, squashed between my brother and grandmother in our red hot, AMC pacer, my expectations soared...

[behold the peanut butter and jelly sandwich]

my therapist loves to equate the dichotomy of expectation and disappointment to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. one can't thrive without the other.

you've heard of eating crow...well, i've mowed down on a few pb and j's...

i remember the skanky smell of the endless, caved lineups, the model-esque actors masquerading as fairy tale heroes and the realization that cinderella's castle was an empty, room-less facade.

[what a crock.]

much like valentine's day. like so many milestones society dictates we celebrate; it holds little meaning for so many. what if you are single? never married? never want to be? never graduated from college? never had a child? don't want one?

there are many of us not interested in the provincial, conventional path society lays out for us...

h.s. graduation, college, marriage, house, career, children...it's a path many of us, including moi, refuse to tread...

[nej, tak. ellers tak!]

it's the "keeping up with the jones' " mentality...a mindset in desperate need of rewire...

guess what. we're all going to get old. we're all going to get sick. and we're all going to die. this is why i photograph myself in all stages of my personal hell. i'm not cynical. not pessimistic. and i want no pity.

[at some point, you're all going to join me here. so don't force a round peg into a square hole.]

it's the unexpected, not the coercion of ideas, that thrills the soul.

a dresser stood isolated, unattended to. jiggling handles. when like magic, they were mastered into submission. twisted into tight perfection. uberhubby had sprung forth into action; screwdriver in hand, mission accomplished. not a nagging wife in sight. i had never been so turned on in my life. and this is what reigns true...

the unexpected.

not engagement.
not graduation.
not marriage.
not children.
not valentine's day.

[that's all good.]

but, it's the moments of surprise. gasps of joy. flutters of the heart.

[bring it, gaga]

it's what i live for.

i already have his heart. and soon, i'll have his kidney.

so shoot me.

[i'm on the right track, baby...]

i was born this way...