Amazing Grace

Politics and religion.

Subjects to be avoided at all costs. But dude, I have a blog! Ignore my opinions if so inclined...

I need to get this off my chest. Boy, was I gunning for Hillary. As happy as I am that Obama conquered McCain, I believe she would have been the stronger choice. All this talk about a "new" administration never washed with me. Hillary is not Bill. Hillary had her own ideas and theories. Ah, but this is so Nov. 'O8...Just my segue into forbidden territory...

Religion. Controversial to say the least. When I read that a rapist in Brazil wasn't excommunicated because abortion is considered a greater sin than rape, well, I can't get behind that. But what I do embrace is the love I've received from so many church going, God fearing folk. I find it incredibly interesting that about half of my friends believe in God, and half of them send me "light", "good vibes" and "positive energy".

What does that say about me and my beliefs?

Don't misunderstand. I keep all of the love in my heart without reservation. I am ever grateful that people step out of their "bubbles" to support Kevin and I.

So it seems chronic illness raises many questions. Questions about mortality, faith and judgement. Questions I can't answer right now.

But what I can answer is that love, in all its myriad forms, has raised me up.

And if that sounds religious, so be it...

Mister, cut me some slack, 'cause I don't want to go back, I want a new day and age...

It's been a month since my last entry. I'm not sure why there are these gaps in my entries. I find writing so therapeutic. Perhaps it was my recent hospital stay that threw me off course...

Feb. 16th-20th found me bed ridden at Cedars-Sinai. I contracted an e-coli infection that manifested in my kidney. My creatinine spiked to 3.7. Antibiotics swarmed my body and on the last day I had a 7 hour blood transfusion to help bring up my hemoglobin. It was at an all time low of 7 (normal 12). Exhaustion, indeed. I must admit I didn't get a wink of sleep that night. From midnight to 7 am all I could process was the possibility that I was infusing the AIDS virus or hepatitis, despite the promised screening...

Oh, what a night...

And so I'm home now and more compromised than ever. I can't audition or do makeup or volunteer anymore. My health is too inconsistent. But I try to be the best possible homemaker and reading, movies, friends, being "wifely", loving my Dais, all fill out my life greatly...

But, yes, my life has changed enormously over the last year...

I am now considered "disabled". How surreal is that? This status will help Kevin and I reduce our health insurance, for which we are very grateful. But it saddens me. Disabled. Hmmmm. The woman who used to run 6 mi. a day is sick. Very sick. And boy, does that ever suck...

Maudlin, indeed. But it is 2 am.

When I was in the hospital, I was very lonely. I was there for 5 days, and with the exception of my wonderful hubby, I had 2 visitors. Am I wining? Perhaps. But the lack of calls and visitors seemed to emphasize how my situation is now status quo. But not for me. Every hospital stay is painful, confusing and lonely. Despite the great care I receive, I desperately longed to escape.

And yet, I did have calls on the first day, offers to visit and many, many e-mails. But when one is bed ridden and feverish, one doesn't type away on your laptop munching on bon bons...

Oh, I sound pathetic. It was just so isolating...

There was one special visitor whom I must mention. Pastor Scott from Hollywood Pres. came to pray with me. And boy, did it fuel my soul.

I have always believed in God, although organized religion still frightens me. I wonder about those who believe in "karma", "the universe" and "energy". I find it all a bit vague.... There is something unique about those whom believe. They have a certain joy and exhilaration about them. Perhaps prayer doesn't literally solve everything, but I know it brings comfort and peace to those whom are suffering. It did for me at Cedars, when no-one else showed up. It connects everyone in a way that nothing else does...

Try and deny it, but so many suffer from depression and sadness. I believe the only way to fill that void is to GIVE. Give to others, volunteer, and share... Share gifts of love and generosity...

No, I am not born again. But I know in my heart that there is something to this...

But can I still rock out to The Killers?